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My teammates on the Unit ed States Disabled Ski Team used to tease me about the size of my chest, jok ing that my great est hand i cap wasn’t my missing leg but my missing cleavage1. Little did they know how true that would become.
This past year, I found out that for the second time in my life I had cancer, this time in both breasts. I had bilateral2 mastectomies3. When I heard I’d need the surgery, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I even told my friends playfully4, “I"ll keep you abreast5of the situation.”After all, I had lost my leg to my first go-round with cancer at age 12, and then gone on to be come a world-champion ski racer. All of us on the Dis abled Ski Team were miss ing one set of body parts or another. I saw that a man in a wheelchair can be utterly sexy. That a woman who has no hands can appear not to be missing anything. That wholeness has noth ing to do with missing parts and everything to do with spirit. Yet although I knew this, I was surprised to discover how dif fi cult it was to adjust to my new scars. When they brought me back to consciousness af ter the surgery, I start ed to sob and hyperventilate6. Sud den ly I found that I didn’t want to face the loss of more of my body. I didn’t want chemotherapy7 again. I didn’t want to be brave and tough and put on a perpetual smiling face. I didn’t ever want to wake up again... My breath ing grew so shaky8 that the anesthesiologist9 gave me oxygen and then, thankfully, put me back to sleep.
When I was doing hill sprints to pre pare for my ski racing, my heart and lungs and leg muscles were all on fire---- I’d often be hit by the sen sa tion that there were no resources left in side me with which to keep going. Then I’d think about the races ahead---- my dream of pushing my po ten tial as far as it could go, the sat is fac tion of breaking through my own barriers---- and that would get me through the sprints. The same tenacity10 that served me so well in ski racing helped me survive my sec ond bout with cancer.
After the mastectomies, I knew that one way to get myself going would be to start ex er cis ing again, so I head ed for the local pool. In the com mu nal11 shower, I found my self no tic ing oth er wom en’s breasts for the first time in my life. Sud den ly and for the first time, af ter all these years of missing a leg, I felt acute ly self-conscious.
I decided it was time to confront myself. That night at home, I took off all my clothes and had a long look at the wom an in the mirror. She was androgynous12. Take my face---- without makeup, it was a cute young boy’s face. My shoul der muscles, arms and hands were pow er ful and muscular from the crutches13. I had no breasts; instead, there were two prom i nent scars on my chest. I had a sexy flat stomach, a bubble butt and a well-de vel oped thigh14 from years of ski racing. My right leg ended in an oth er long scar just above the knee. I dis cov ered that I liked my an drog y nous body. It fit my personality---- my ag gres sive male side that loves getting dressed in a helmet, arm guards and shin protectors to do battle with the sla lom gates, and my gen tle fe male side that longs to have chil dren one day and wants to dress up in a beau ti ful silk dress, and go out to dinner with a lover...
I found that the scars on my chest and my leg were a big deal. They were my marks of life. All of us are scarred by life; it’s just that some of those scars show more clearly than others. Our scars do matter. They tell us that we have lived, that we haven’t hid den from life. When we see our scars plainly, we can find in them, as I did that day, our own unique beauty.
美国残障滑雪队的队友们过去常常拿我的胸形打趣，取笑说我最大的生理缺陷不是少了一条腿，而是没有乳沟。她们无从知晓那将成为怎样千真万确的事实。
去年，我一生中第二次发现自己罹患癌症，这次是在双侧乳房。我接受了双乳切除术。当我听说自己需要动手术时，本来并未大惊小怪。我甚至和朋友们开玩笑说：“我会让你们及时了解最新动态的。”毕竟，在12岁那年与癌症的第一次较量中我失去了一条腿，后来仍继续前行成为了世界滑雪冠军。在残障滑雪队里，每个人都失去了身体的某个部分。我知道坐轮椅的男人可以魅力十足，没有双手的女人可以看上去健全。健全与残缺的肢体毫无关系，只与精神息息相关。尽管明白这一点，我却惊讶地发现要适应我的新伤痕是多么困难。手术后，当我被他们唤醒恢复知觉后，我便开始啜泣以致要强加呼吸。突然间，我发觉自己不愿再面对更多的身体缺失，我不想再化疗，我不想勇敢坚强，永远摆出一张笑脸，我甚至不想再醒来 ……我的呼吸变得很不稳定，麻醉师不得不给我吸氧，接着，谢天谢地，我又睡着了。
当我进行冲山训练以迎战滑雪赛时，我的心肺和腿肌燃烧着活力—— 我经常被这样的感觉侵袭，我已没有余力再支撑下去了。但之后我会想到未来的比赛——把自身潜力推向极致的梦想以及突破自身障碍后的满足 ——这些将支撑我把冲山训练坚持到底。在滑雪比赛中令我受益匪浅的执著精神同样帮助我在与癌症的第二轮较量中挺了过来。
双乳切除术后，我清楚使自己振作起来的方法就是重新开始锻炼。于是我前往本地的游泳池。在公共淋浴间，我发觉自己生平第一次注意起别人的乳房。猛然间，经过这么多年失去一条腿后，我头一遭感到自惭形秽。
我想，该是正视自我的时候了。那晚，我在家里脱得一丝不挂，久久凝视着镜中这个趋于中性的女人。看这张脸——不施粉脂，如英俊小生的脸；肩膀肌肉发达，手臂因使用拐杖而变得强壮有力；乳房没有了，胸前只有两道显眼的伤疤；性感扁平的小腹，得意的翘臀和多年滑雪练就的发达的大腿；右腿在膝盖上方以另一道长长的疤痕结束。我发觉我喜欢自己的中性身体。它符合我的性格——雄心勃勃的男性的一面喜欢戴着头盔、护肘和护胫在障碍滑雪的旗门间奋力穿梭，而温柔的女性的一面渴望有一天生儿育女，梦想穿上美丽的绸缎礼服和爱人外出就餐……
我发现，我胸部和腿上的伤疤至关重要。那是我生命的痕迹。每个人都会被生活烙上印记，只不过有些更显而易见而已。伤疤并非无关紧要。它表明我们经历过，我们没有逃避生活。当我们用一颗坦然的心去面对它时，我们会发现它独特的美，就像我那天一样。
This past year, I found out that for the second time in my life I had cancer, this time in both breasts. I had bilateral2 mastectomies3. When I heard I’d need the surgery, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I even told my friends playfully4, “I"ll keep you abreast5of the situation.”After all, I had lost my leg to my first go-round with cancer at age 12, and then gone on to be come a world-champion ski racer. All of us on the Dis abled Ski Team were miss ing one set of body parts or another. I saw that a man in a wheelchair can be utterly sexy. That a woman who has no hands can appear not to be missing anything. That wholeness has noth ing to do with missing parts and everything to do with spirit. Yet although I knew this, I was surprised to discover how dif fi cult it was to adjust to my new scars. When they brought me back to consciousness af ter the surgery, I start ed to sob and hyperventilate6. Sud den ly I found that I didn’t want to face the loss of more of my body. I didn’t want chemotherapy7 again. I didn’t want to be brave and tough and put on a perpetual smiling face. I didn’t ever want to wake up again... My breath ing grew so shaky8 that the anesthesiologist9 gave me oxygen and then, thankfully, put me back to sleep.
When I was doing hill sprints to pre pare for my ski racing, my heart and lungs and leg muscles were all on fire---- I’d often be hit by the sen sa tion that there were no resources left in side me with which to keep going. Then I’d think about the races ahead---- my dream of pushing my po ten tial as far as it could go, the sat is fac tion of breaking through my own barriers---- and that would get me through the sprints. The same tenacity10 that served me so well in ski racing helped me survive my sec ond bout with cancer.
After the mastectomies, I knew that one way to get myself going would be to start ex er cis ing again, so I head ed for the local pool. In the com mu nal11 shower, I found my self no tic ing oth er wom en’s breasts for the first time in my life. Sud den ly and for the first time, af ter all these years of missing a leg, I felt acute ly self-conscious.
I decided it was time to confront myself. That night at home, I took off all my clothes and had a long look at the wom an in the mirror. She was androgynous12. Take my face---- without makeup, it was a cute young boy’s face. My shoul der muscles, arms and hands were pow er ful and muscular from the crutches13. I had no breasts; instead, there were two prom i nent scars on my chest. I had a sexy flat stomach, a bubble butt and a well-de vel oped thigh14 from years of ski racing. My right leg ended in an oth er long scar just above the knee. I dis cov ered that I liked my an drog y nous body. It fit my personality---- my ag gres sive male side that loves getting dressed in a helmet, arm guards and shin protectors to do battle with the sla lom gates, and my gen tle fe male side that longs to have chil dren one day and wants to dress up in a beau ti ful silk dress, and go out to dinner with a lover...
I found that the scars on my chest and my leg were a big deal. They were my marks of life. All of us are scarred by life; it’s just that some of those scars show more clearly than others. Our scars do matter. They tell us that we have lived, that we haven’t hid den from life. When we see our scars plainly, we can find in them, as I did that day, our own unique beauty.
美国残障滑雪队的队友们过去常常拿我的胸形打趣，取笑说我最大的生理缺陷不是少了一条腿，而是没有乳沟。她们无从知晓那将成为怎样千真万确的事实。
去年，我一生中第二次发现自己罹患癌症，这次是在双侧乳房。我接受了双乳切除术。当我听说自己需要动手术时，本来并未大惊小怪。我甚至和朋友们开玩笑说：“我会让你们及时了解最新动态的。”毕竟，在12岁那年与癌症的第一次较量中我失去了一条腿，后来仍继续前行成为了世界滑雪冠军。在残障滑雪队里，每个人都失去了身体的某个部分。我知道坐轮椅的男人可以魅力十足，没有双手的女人可以看上去健全。健全与残缺的肢体毫无关系，只与精神息息相关。尽管明白这一点，我却惊讶地发现要适应我的新伤痕是多么困难。手术后，当我被他们唤醒恢复知觉后，我便开始啜泣以致要强加呼吸。突然间，我发觉自己不愿再面对更多的身体缺失，我不想再化疗，我不想勇敢坚强，永远摆出一张笑脸，我甚至不想再醒来 ……我的呼吸变得很不稳定，麻醉师不得不给我吸氧，接着，谢天谢地，我又睡着了。
当我进行冲山训练以迎战滑雪赛时，我的心肺和腿肌燃烧着活力—— 我经常被这样的感觉侵袭，我已没有余力再支撑下去了。但之后我会想到未来的比赛——把自身潜力推向极致的梦想以及突破自身障碍后的满足 ——这些将支撑我把冲山训练坚持到底。在滑雪比赛中令我受益匪浅的执著精神同样帮助我在与癌症的第二轮较量中挺了过来。
双乳切除术后，我清楚使自己振作起来的方法就是重新开始锻炼。于是我前往本地的游泳池。在公共淋浴间，我发觉自己生平第一次注意起别人的乳房。猛然间，经过这么多年失去一条腿后，我头一遭感到自惭形秽。
我想，该是正视自我的时候了。那晚，我在家里脱得一丝不挂，久久凝视着镜中这个趋于中性的女人。看这张脸——不施粉脂，如英俊小生的脸；肩膀肌肉发达，手臂因使用拐杖而变得强壮有力；乳房没有了，胸前只有两道显眼的伤疤；性感扁平的小腹，得意的翘臀和多年滑雪练就的发达的大腿；右腿在膝盖上方以另一道长长的疤痕结束。我发觉我喜欢自己的中性身体。它符合我的性格——雄心勃勃的男性的一面喜欢戴着头盔、护肘和护胫在障碍滑雪的旗门间奋力穿梭，而温柔的女性的一面渴望有一天生儿育女，梦想穿上美丽的绸缎礼服和爱人外出就餐……
我发现，我胸部和腿上的伤疤至关重要。那是我生命的痕迹。每个人都会被生活烙上印记，只不过有些更显而易见而已。伤疤并非无关紧要。它表明我们经历过，我们没有逃避生活。当我们用一颗坦然的心去面对它时，我们会发现它独特的美，就像我那天一样。