《新文学史料》的编辑同志问我,我父亲有没有未曾发表的手稿可以供他们刊登。最近翻阅父亲的日记,一九七六年除夕那天是用这样一段话作结的:“夜餐时全家围坐小饮辞岁。今年为变化极大之年,而结果则举国欢畅,此可记也。”我想这“可记”二字,决非“值得记下来”的意思,(不是已经记下来了么?)而是说这一年“变化极大”,应该永志勿忘。我于是从元旦抄起,把这一年的日记全部抄了下来,交给《新文学史料》的编辑同志。 看父亲这一年的日记,记的多半是“为无聊,遣有涯”的琐事。“文革”已经进入第十个年头,忧虑,压抑,日甚一日,看不到尽头,弄不清所以。愤愤的话不是没有,往往欲说还休,剩下的只能是排遣闲愁,辛弃疾叹息“闲愁最苦”的那种苦涩的闲愁。结果却完全出乎意外,来了个突然的变,生活苏醒了,新的希望又迎面扑来。“举国欢畅”,叫人暂时忘记了那延续十年之久的动乱,已经夺走了不知多少人的“有涯之生”。 父亲那时已经过了八十二了,他勉励自己要“多活几年,多做些事”,可是跟十年前相比,精力究竟差得很远,性子越来越急,也无补于事了。对父亲这样的老年人来说,失落的岁月是很难追回来了。 1993年11月22日 The editors of “New Historical Materials” asked me if my father had any unpublished manuscripts available to them for publication. Recently, when I read my father’s diary, the day of 1976 on New Year’s Eve concludes with the remark: “The whole family is sitting around a small drink during the night when this year is a year of great change and the result is a joyous country. Also, ”I think this word can be remembered“ is by no means ”worth remembering.“ (Have you not memorized it yet?) Instead, it says that this year, ”great changes“ should never be forgotten. So I started from New Year’s Day, copy all the diaries of this year, handed over to the editor of ”New Literature Historical Materials.“ Look at his father’s diary this year, remember most of the ”boring, sent career“ trivia. The ”Cultural Revolution“ has entered its tenth year of anxiety, depression, day by day, can not see the end, can not figure it out. Indignant words are not without, often want to say also rest, the rest can only be fretting, Xin Qiji sigh ”idle pain most bitter“ kind of bitter idle worry. The result was completely unexpected, came a sudden change, life has awakened, new hope and lunged forward. ”All over the country is joyful,“ so that people temporarily forget the ten-year-long unrest that has claimed the ”career of being“ who does not know how many people. His father had already passed by 82 at the time. He encouraged himself to ”live for a few more years and do more work." However, compared with ten years ago, his energy was far behind, and his temper became increasingly urgent and irrelevant. Thing. For the elderly, such as his father, the lost years is difficult to recover. November 22, 1993