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当西方的熊猫耍起了中国功夫，当一部又一部海盗系列、哈波系列、暮光系列、变形金刚系列让我们翘首以盼，当各种所谓的3D电影充斥大银幕时，电影业似乎早就是好莱坞的天下了？曾有朋友郁闷地对我说：“真是看不懂欧洲电影，太过艺术了，看着累。”我只好摇摇头告诉他：“兄弟，你已经被好莱坞宠坏了！”不错，好莱坞的电影确实很好看，简单流畅的故事节奏，布局分明的起承转接，最后加上一个让人充满希望的大团圆结局——试问，有谁不爱好莱坞呢？
但是，果真如此吗？都说艺术应该源于生活，但我们的生活似乎永远达不到好莱坞电影的精彩程度。或许缺乏宏大的特效场面、养眼的俊男美女，故事有时稍显沉闷拖沓，但非好莱坞电影永远不缺的是真实的生活体验、细致的人文关怀和对人性的深度思考。正如CR曾经做过的一期主题《偏听则暗》（2007年8月号）一样，当我们看腻了好莱坞的翻拍、重拍和伪3D之后，何不静下心来用两个小时的时间去细细体验另一种完全不同的文化冲击呢？
—小狐
The simplicity of storylines.
How could anyone sit through a film like 1)Nashville or 2)Short Cuts without wanting to 3)yank their own teeth out? What is this over-complicated nonsense? Where’s the natural dramatic curve that all movies should have? Where’s the love story? What about the lover’s quarrel between the male and female 4)protagonists leading to a 5)gratifying resolution at the end of the film? And, most importantly, what gives with the complete lack of SPECIAL EFFECTS! Who did Altman think he was to make a movie without
6)fiery explosions and 15 car pile-ups (and I don’t mean traffic jams) —the life blood of American cinema! Short Cuts indeed...too many!
A perfectly comprehensible 7)obsession with happy endings.
8)David Lynch should be tied up and shot for 9)treason.
I’ve never seen anything that made less sense to me than, well, any of his movies. Never trust a man with hair like that. Americans want happy endings and seeing 10)villains full of gunshot wounds. We want bad guys falling through windows, falling into vats of acid or fried by plunging into electrical fences. In fact, there’s a pattern here which you might have noticed if you were as 11)observant as I am: the more the villain is reduced to a state of 12)humiliation and utter 13)obliteration, the greater the satisfaction of the paying audiences. That’s the American way, no?
I propose changing “apple pie” to “14)CGI”.
I could understand if you were still living back in the 70’s and hadn’t seen a movie for 15 years, but c’mon! Special effects have come a very long way in the past decade! We now have the ability to make almost entire movies with CGI like Attack of the Clones or Crystal Skull. Do we even need actors anymore? No, of course not! They’re only still around because we haven’t been able to make movie watchers fall in love with 15)pixels or robots yet. And when that glorious day comes, my friends, cinema will have reached its highest artistic point.
Repeat after me:
Movies are only good when they cost/make a lot of money.
I was standing in line at the ATM a while back when I saw these 16)artsy types coming out of a nearby theater following a showing of Avatar. One of the two was shaking his head and telling the other one that he felt “let down” by the movie. I swung around just as he passed me from behind and grabbed him by the throat, demanding an explanation. The 17)beatnik proceeded to tell me through his 18)grimy beard how there was no soul to American movies anymore and that directors are “afraid to take any risks” because it would mean losing a profit. I laughed in his face and told him that every movie was a risk, that quite a few big movies had also gone under. Remember 19)Waterworld? The worm had little choice to agree, but had the 20)gall to say that I wasn’t taking a “general view” on things (that’s what people accuse me of when they don’t have any 21)rebuttals).
Movies should only be in English.
I was once force-fed an old French movie called Le Maybe or Le Maple Tree. The only thing that kept me awake was the fact that 22)Jack Palance was in it! See, that’s where foreign films don’t make any sense to me—you suppose that the people would make rational decisions, but in the end everyone just puts themselves in pretty poses and acts all artsy. Everyone in European movies thinks they’re so deep with their symbols. In American movies the only symbols we need are guns! How’s that for a universal symbol?
If it’s not a remake, there’s a 90% chance that it sucks.
As I told you before, we’re living in great times! Over the past ten years Hollywood has been feeding us the same plots and characters from the classics we or our older brothers and sisters grew up with, but better. Everyone knows how painful it can be to watch movies that are at least ten years old. Yes, I too know the feeling of having to ignore embarrassing 23)blemishes such as out-of-style clothes, outdated dialogues and scenery that just wouldn’t cut it by today’s standards. Why, just consider for a minute what Casablanca would look like if 24)Humphrey Bogart single-handedly took on the entire Nazi guard at the airport during the final scene! And wouldn’t you be more intrigued to see old 25)Sam strumming bar chords on an electric guitar instead of that boring, 26)sappy instrument that no one plays anymore?
Play it again, Sam.
简单明了的故事情节。
怎么会有人能够耐着性子看完一部像《纳什维尔》或是《人生交叉点》这样的电影，却不会抓狂得想拔光自己的牙齿呢？这些过度复杂的胡说八道到底是什么？所有电影都应该有的自然戏剧曲线在哪里？爱情故事在哪里？怎么没有男女主角之间的小情人斗嘴，然后在电影结束时引向一个令人满意的结局？而且最重要的是，完全没有特效还有个什么看头啊！奥尔特曼以为他是谁啊？拍出的电影居然完全没有火光四射的大爆炸和15辆汽车撞成一团（我指的可不是大塞车）——这可是美国电影业的命脉啊！《人生交叉点》实在是……过头了！
完全可以理解的对于大团圆结局的痴迷。
大卫·林奇应该被捆起来，然后以叛国罪枪毙。
我从没见过任何一样东西比，嗯，任何一部他的电影还让人难以理解。绝对不要相信一个头发长成那样的人。美国人想要大团圆结局，想看到恶棍被子弹打成筛子。我们想要坏蛋摔出窗户、掉进成桶的强酸里或是被撞到电围栏上被烤焦。实际上，如果你也像我一样善于观察的话，你会发现这里头有一种模式：恶棍越是陷入羞耻和被彻底消灭的境地，花了钱来看电影的观众们就越满足。这就是美国式，不是吗？
我提议把“苹果派”也变成“CGI”的。
如果你还生活在上世纪七十年代，而且有15年没看过电影了，我可以理解，但是，拜托！在过去十年里，电脑特效已经取得了长足的进步！我们现在已经有能力用CGI制作几乎整部电影了，比如说《星战前传：克隆人的进攻》或是《夺宝奇兵：水晶头骨王国》。我们还需要演员吗？不，当然不需要了。他们仍然存在的理由只不过是因为我们还无法让观众爱上像素或是机器人罢了。而当那光辉之日到来之时，我的朋友们，电影业将会达到它的艺术之巅。
跟着我说一遍：
大把烧钱/赚钱的电影才是好电影。
我在银行的ATM机前排队时，见到这些貌似文艺青年的家伙刚看完《阿凡达》，从附近的一家影院走出来。两人中的一人正摇着头，跟另一个人说他对这部电影很失望。正当他从我身后经过时，我转过身，掐住他的喉咙，要他给个说法。这个穿着怪异的家伙透过他肮脏的胡子告诉我说，美国电影如何不再有灵魂，还有导演们“一点都不愿意冒险”，因为这可能意味着亏钱。我当着他的面大笑起来，告诉他每部电影都是一次冒险，有相当多的大制作电影也遭遇了失败。还记得《未来水世界》吗？这条可怜虫别无选择只能同意，但怨恨地说，我对事物的看法不够“全面”（当人们无法反驳我时，他们就会这么指责我）。
电影就该只说英语。
有一次我被迫看了一部法国老片，忘了片名是叫《或许》还是《枫树》（编者注：这两部电影并不存在，因为作者不懂法语所以根本没搞明白所看电影的名字）。唯一让我保持清醒的原因就是杰
克·帕兰斯在里面！明白了吧，这就是为什么我看不懂外国电影——你以为人们会做出理智的决定，但到头来，每个人都只是摆了些颇为漂亮的艺术造型，举止故作优雅。在欧洲电影里，每个人都认为他们的象征无比深刻，而在美国电影里，我们需要的唯一象征就是枪！这能不能成为一个世界性的象征呢？
如果不是翻拍片，那么有90%的机会它会是一部烂片。
就像我之前说过的，我们正处于一个伟大的时代！在过去十年里，好莱坞一直在用我们或是我们的哥哥姐姐从小看到大的相同的情节和角色来满足我们，不过要更好些。每个人都知道要看至少十年前拍摄的电影有多么痛苦。是的，我也了解这种感觉，你不得不无视那些令人尴尬的瑕疵，比如老土的服饰、过时的对白和完全不符合当今标准的布景。为什么呢，只要花一分钟时间想想，如果剧终时亨弗莱·鲍嘉在机场单枪匹马就放倒了所有纳粹卫队，《卡萨布兰卡》将会是什么样子呢？而如果老山姆是用一把电吉他而非那部再也没有人摆弄的无聊蠢笨的乐器弹奏酒吧和弦的话，不会让你更感兴趣吗？
再弹一遍吧，山姆。（编者注：这句是《卡萨布兰卡》里的经典台词。）
但是，果真如此吗？都说艺术应该源于生活，但我们的生活似乎永远达不到好莱坞电影的精彩程度。或许缺乏宏大的特效场面、养眼的俊男美女，故事有时稍显沉闷拖沓，但非好莱坞电影永远不缺的是真实的生活体验、细致的人文关怀和对人性的深度思考。正如CR曾经做过的一期主题《偏听则暗》（2007年8月号）一样，当我们看腻了好莱坞的翻拍、重拍和伪3D之后，何不静下心来用两个小时的时间去细细体验另一种完全不同的文化冲击呢？
—小狐
The simplicity of storylines.
How could anyone sit through a film like 1)Nashville or 2)Short Cuts without wanting to 3)yank their own teeth out? What is this over-complicated nonsense? Where’s the natural dramatic curve that all movies should have? Where’s the love story? What about the lover’s quarrel between the male and female 4)protagonists leading to a 5)gratifying resolution at the end of the film? And, most importantly, what gives with the complete lack of SPECIAL EFFECTS! Who did Altman think he was to make a movie without
6)fiery explosions and 15 car pile-ups (and I don’t mean traffic jams) —the life blood of American cinema! Short Cuts indeed...too many!
A perfectly comprehensible 7)obsession with happy endings.
8)David Lynch should be tied up and shot for 9)treason.
I’ve never seen anything that made less sense to me than, well, any of his movies. Never trust a man with hair like that. Americans want happy endings and seeing 10)villains full of gunshot wounds. We want bad guys falling through windows, falling into vats of acid or fried by plunging into electrical fences. In fact, there’s a pattern here which you might have noticed if you were as 11)observant as I am: the more the villain is reduced to a state of 12)humiliation and utter 13)obliteration, the greater the satisfaction of the paying audiences. That’s the American way, no?
I propose changing “apple pie” to “14)CGI”.
I could understand if you were still living back in the 70’s and hadn’t seen a movie for 15 years, but c’mon! Special effects have come a very long way in the past decade! We now have the ability to make almost entire movies with CGI like Attack of the Clones or Crystal Skull. Do we even need actors anymore? No, of course not! They’re only still around because we haven’t been able to make movie watchers fall in love with 15)pixels or robots yet. And when that glorious day comes, my friends, cinema will have reached its highest artistic point.
Repeat after me:
Movies are only good when they cost/make a lot of money.
I was standing in line at the ATM a while back when I saw these 16)artsy types coming out of a nearby theater following a showing of Avatar. One of the two was shaking his head and telling the other one that he felt “let down” by the movie. I swung around just as he passed me from behind and grabbed him by the throat, demanding an explanation. The 17)beatnik proceeded to tell me through his 18)grimy beard how there was no soul to American movies anymore and that directors are “afraid to take any risks” because it would mean losing a profit. I laughed in his face and told him that every movie was a risk, that quite a few big movies had also gone under. Remember 19)Waterworld? The worm had little choice to agree, but had the 20)gall to say that I wasn’t taking a “general view” on things (that’s what people accuse me of when they don’t have any 21)rebuttals).
Movies should only be in English.
I was once force-fed an old French movie called Le Maybe or Le Maple Tree. The only thing that kept me awake was the fact that 22)Jack Palance was in it! See, that’s where foreign films don’t make any sense to me—you suppose that the people would make rational decisions, but in the end everyone just puts themselves in pretty poses and acts all artsy. Everyone in European movies thinks they’re so deep with their symbols. In American movies the only symbols we need are guns! How’s that for a universal symbol?
If it’s not a remake, there’s a 90% chance that it sucks.
As I told you before, we’re living in great times! Over the past ten years Hollywood has been feeding us the same plots and characters from the classics we or our older brothers and sisters grew up with, but better. Everyone knows how painful it can be to watch movies that are at least ten years old. Yes, I too know the feeling of having to ignore embarrassing 23)blemishes such as out-of-style clothes, outdated dialogues and scenery that just wouldn’t cut it by today’s standards. Why, just consider for a minute what Casablanca would look like if 24)Humphrey Bogart single-handedly took on the entire Nazi guard at the airport during the final scene! And wouldn’t you be more intrigued to see old 25)Sam strumming bar chords on an electric guitar instead of that boring, 26)sappy instrument that no one plays anymore?
Play it again, Sam.
简单明了的故事情节。
怎么会有人能够耐着性子看完一部像《纳什维尔》或是《人生交叉点》这样的电影，却不会抓狂得想拔光自己的牙齿呢？这些过度复杂的胡说八道到底是什么？所有电影都应该有的自然戏剧曲线在哪里？爱情故事在哪里？怎么没有男女主角之间的小情人斗嘴，然后在电影结束时引向一个令人满意的结局？而且最重要的是，完全没有特效还有个什么看头啊！奥尔特曼以为他是谁啊？拍出的电影居然完全没有火光四射的大爆炸和15辆汽车撞成一团（我指的可不是大塞车）——这可是美国电影业的命脉啊！《人生交叉点》实在是……过头了！
完全可以理解的对于大团圆结局的痴迷。
大卫·林奇应该被捆起来，然后以叛国罪枪毙。
我从没见过任何一样东西比，嗯，任何一部他的电影还让人难以理解。绝对不要相信一个头发长成那样的人。美国人想要大团圆结局，想看到恶棍被子弹打成筛子。我们想要坏蛋摔出窗户、掉进成桶的强酸里或是被撞到电围栏上被烤焦。实际上，如果你也像我一样善于观察的话，你会发现这里头有一种模式：恶棍越是陷入羞耻和被彻底消灭的境地，花了钱来看电影的观众们就越满足。这就是美国式，不是吗？
我提议把“苹果派”也变成“CGI”的。
如果你还生活在上世纪七十年代，而且有15年没看过电影了，我可以理解，但是，拜托！在过去十年里，电脑特效已经取得了长足的进步！我们现在已经有能力用CGI制作几乎整部电影了，比如说《星战前传：克隆人的进攻》或是《夺宝奇兵：水晶头骨王国》。我们还需要演员吗？不，当然不需要了。他们仍然存在的理由只不过是因为我们还无法让观众爱上像素或是机器人罢了。而当那光辉之日到来之时，我的朋友们，电影业将会达到它的艺术之巅。
跟着我说一遍：
大把烧钱/赚钱的电影才是好电影。
我在银行的ATM机前排队时，见到这些貌似文艺青年的家伙刚看完《阿凡达》，从附近的一家影院走出来。两人中的一人正摇着头，跟另一个人说他对这部电影很失望。正当他从我身后经过时，我转过身，掐住他的喉咙，要他给个说法。这个穿着怪异的家伙透过他肮脏的胡子告诉我说，美国电影如何不再有灵魂，还有导演们“一点都不愿意冒险”，因为这可能意味着亏钱。我当着他的面大笑起来，告诉他每部电影都是一次冒险，有相当多的大制作电影也遭遇了失败。还记得《未来水世界》吗？这条可怜虫别无选择只能同意，但怨恨地说，我对事物的看法不够“全面”（当人们无法反驳我时，他们就会这么指责我）。
电影就该只说英语。
有一次我被迫看了一部法国老片，忘了片名是叫《或许》还是《枫树》（编者注：这两部电影并不存在，因为作者不懂法语所以根本没搞明白所看电影的名字）。唯一让我保持清醒的原因就是杰
克·帕兰斯在里面！明白了吧，这就是为什么我看不懂外国电影——你以为人们会做出理智的决定，但到头来，每个人都只是摆了些颇为漂亮的艺术造型，举止故作优雅。在欧洲电影里，每个人都认为他们的象征无比深刻，而在美国电影里，我们需要的唯一象征就是枪！这能不能成为一个世界性的象征呢？
如果不是翻拍片，那么有90%的机会它会是一部烂片。
就像我之前说过的，我们正处于一个伟大的时代！在过去十年里，好莱坞一直在用我们或是我们的哥哥姐姐从小看到大的相同的情节和角色来满足我们，不过要更好些。每个人都知道要看至少十年前拍摄的电影有多么痛苦。是的，我也了解这种感觉，你不得不无视那些令人尴尬的瑕疵，比如老土的服饰、过时的对白和完全不符合当今标准的布景。为什么呢，只要花一分钟时间想想，如果剧终时亨弗莱·鲍嘉在机场单枪匹马就放倒了所有纳粹卫队，《卡萨布兰卡》将会是什么样子呢？而如果老山姆是用一把电吉他而非那部再也没有人摆弄的无聊蠢笨的乐器弹奏酒吧和弦的话，不会让你更感兴趣吗？
再弹一遍吧，山姆。（编者注：这句是《卡萨布兰卡》里的经典台词。）