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Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. Why does friendship so readily turn toxic？
即便是最好的朋友也能讓你神经紧张，厌烦不已。为何友情这么容易变质呢？
Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your “best self”， your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened， articulated1 one of your patterns， and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends， skipped between shared memories， and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions.2 Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her， and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard： happy， nourished and energized through it all.
But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts， as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it， or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons， or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships； increasingly difficult friendships； and bad， gutwrenching3， toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant， but they come with a price. Friendship， looked at through a clear and wide lens， is far messier and more lopsided4 than it is often portrayed.
The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal5. This is shocking to people， since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you？
One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational： a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people， but those higher up the social hierarchy6 have their pick. A corroborating7 piece of evidence is the finding that your Facebook “friends” always have， on average， more “friends” than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis8 from our status-obsessed world.
“Ambivalent” relationships， in social science parlance，9 are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common， too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted， more of those are family members than friends， but still， for friendship， it’s another push off the pedestal10.
即便是最好的朋友也能讓你神经紧张，厌烦不已。为何友情这么容易变质呢？
Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your “best self”， your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened， articulated1 one of your patterns， and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends， skipped between shared memories， and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions.2 Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her， and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard： happy， nourished and energized through it all.
But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts， as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it， or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons， or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships； increasingly difficult friendships； and bad， gutwrenching3， toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant， but they come with a price. Friendship， looked at through a clear and wide lens， is far messier and more lopsided4 than it is often portrayed.
The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal5. This is shocking to people， since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you？
One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational： a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people， but those higher up the social hierarchy6 have their pick. A corroborating7 piece of evidence is the finding that your Facebook “friends” always have， on average， more “friends” than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis8 from our status-obsessed world.
“Ambivalent” relationships， in social science parlance，9 are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common， too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted， more of those are family members than friends， but still， for friendship， it’s another push off the pedestal10.