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I had dinner with a single girlfriend of mine the other night. She’s in her early 30’s, really cute, sexy, smart and fun. But no guy she dates seems to be sticking lately. She was talking about how she was really disappointed because she had been excited about this guy, but on the third date, she started getting really turned off because he seemed to display some of her deal breakers. We started talking about the agonizing cycle that she experiences—the cycle that I experienced until recently—the cycle that I hear most single women talk about experiencing: Meet a guy. Like him. Make up 2)fabulous stories about how great he is and put totally 3)unrealistic expectations on him. Then after a varying number of dates, he disappoints us because he’s NOT living up to any of those expectations. We’re heartbroken because we thought he could have been“The One,” we’re angry that another one didn’t work out and we desperately cry out, “Where are all the good men and why am I still single!?”
Today, there are more single women than ever. There has been much 4)speculation as to why that it is, and I’d like to throw one more 5)hypothesis into the mix: What if maybe, just maybe, these deal breakers are the reason so many women aren’t getting anywhere with men and relationships? I’m not talking deal breakers such as having a drinking or drug problem, or religion or wanting a family. Those are in a different category. I’m talking about deal breakers like “he has to work out a lot”, “he has to be a vegetarian”, “he has to be tall”, “he has to work in finance”, “he has to do yoga”, “he has to have gone to an Ivy League college”, “he can’t have a roommate”, just to name a few.
I had my deal breakers. ONE was: that he lives a healthy lifestyle. The first few dates I went on with my current boyfriend, we had to meet late at night because he had work obligations. I was 6)exhausted and it was affecting my work the next day when I had to get up early and teach. By the third date, when I had to drink three soy lattes from Starbucks to make it through the next day, I thought—oh well, I like him, but this isn’t the kind of life I want. Living like that, with those late hours, wasn’t a healthy lifestyle for me. Okay, so that was one of my deal breakers, so 7)bummer, but I’d have to say goodbye.
Deal breaker number two: NO SMOKING. Guess what? My boyfriend smoked. Bummer; goodbye. I was really upset. I really liked this guy. I was drawn to him. I knew, intuitively, that there was something truly special there. Damn my damn deal breakers.
Then something hit me. Whatever I’d been doing in my past with dating obviously hadn’t been working. And here was this guy I was crazy about that I was going to say goodbye to? Really? Well, how about I just try something different this time? I saw something in him and us.
So I told him how I felt about smoking. I didn’t 8)nag or command. I just told him that, for me, I would never be able to be in a long-term relationship with, or marry, a smoker. I said I know that we just started dating, and I’m not asking him to quit. I just wanted him to know how I felt. I told him that I liked him and wanted to get to know him, and asked him to please not smoke around me. That was it. A few months later, he quit.
I also told him how the schedule he’d been having was rough for me... that I have to get up early, and the late hours were making me exhausted and it affected my work, but that I really wanted to spend time with him, so hopefully we could figure out a 9)compromise. And guess what? He told me that he really doesn’t like living that lifestyle either, but was a single guy and didn’t have anyone he wanted to come home to, but now that I was around, he’d really rather just spend time with me and is actually very often able to send other people to do some of that late night stuff.
WOW. I had made 10)assumptions in my head that weren’t true. I’m so glad I talked to him about it instead of just walking away. If I had left at the beginning because of my “deal breakers,” because of incorrect judgments, I would be missing out on a great love. It made me wonder: How many other times had I jumped to conclusions and lost out on getting to know a terrific guy?
I’m not saying ignore 11)red flags. I’m just saying that if you’re finding yourself in a dating rut, experiencing that constant disappointment and frustration, then obviously what you’re doing isn’t working. In fact, maybe your 12)pickiness, your deal breakers, are really just walls you’re putting up to keep you from getting hurt—because if you don’t even get into a relationship to begin with, then you can’t get hurt. Just some food for thought.
Look—a guy can get in shape. He can stop smoking. He can start eating a more healthy diet. He may only still be living with a roommate because he hasn’t found the right girl yet or because he’s saving money to buy a place. As long as he is open, he can learn new things from you and be exposed to new things from you. Maybe he wants to make changes in his life but doesn’t know how to... you’ll never know about any of those things if you make 13)snap judgments and assumptions.... You’ll never know unless you try.
Your soul mate may be short. Or have long hair. Or may have gone to community college... But if you’ll only date men who are tall or have short hair or went to Graduate School, you may never meet the love of your life. Be open to the possibilities instead of being so quick to judge. Some of these “deal breakers” which are putting you off may merely be 14)illusions, underneath which lie the potential for an amazing partner.
不久前某个晚上，我和一位单身的女性朋友共进晚餐。她三十出头，长得十分可爱、性感，而且聪明有趣。但是最近，她所约会的男生似乎都是雾水情缘。她说她失望透顶，因为这个男人使她很心动，但是第三次约会时，她便变得了无兴趣，因为那个男人似乎表现出一些有悖她择偶标准的行为来。然后我们开始谈论她所经历的痛苦循环——这种循环我过去也一直经历着，直到最近才解脱出来——我听说大多数的单身女性都表示身处这样的循环中：遇到一个男人。喜欢上他。开口闭口都在讲他有多出色，把完全不切实际的期望都寄托在他身上。接着，在数次约会之后，那些期望他一点也达不到，这使我们很失望。我们伤心欲绝，本以为他就是那个“真命天子”；我们怒火中烧，因为又是一个不能开花结果的，于是我们绝望地抱怨：“天底下的好男人都跑哪儿去了？为什么我还是单身！？”
如今，单身女性的数量比以往都要多。对于其原因存在很多推测，而我则想往上面添加多一种假说：假使可能，只是可能，这些择偶标准会不会正是许多女性谈起感情来总是原地踏步的原因呢？我说的择偶标准可不是指那些诸如酗酒、吸毒、宗教信仰或是想要组织家庭这类的问题。这些属于不同的类别。我所说的择偶标准，是指“他必须勤锻炼”、“他必须是个素食主义者”、“他必须是高个儿”、“他必须从事金融方面的工作”、“他必须做瑜伽”、“他必须是常春藤盟校毕业的”、“他不能有室友”……诸如此类。
我也有我的标准。第一：他必须有健康的生活方式。我和我现任男友最初几次约会时，由于他工作压身，我们不得不在深夜见面。我筋疲力尽，约会还影响到我第二天的工作，因为我得早起给学生上课。到了第三次约会，我不得不喝下三杯星巴克大豆拿铁咖啡才撑过第二天，我想——噢，好吧，我喜欢他，但这不是我想要过的生活。那样的生活，夜深出没，对于我来说不是健康的生活方式。好吧，那就是我的其中一项择偶标准，糟透了，但是我不得不说拜拜了。
标准二：不准吸烟。猜猜怎么着？我的男朋友吸烟。糟糕……拜拜了。我那时实在心烦。我真的很喜欢这个男人。我被他吸引住了。我知道，直觉告诉我，我们之间真的有着特别的情愫。该死，我那该死的标准。
然后，我突然顿悟。在以往的约会中我的所作所为显然是行不通的。而现在又要与这个我为之着迷的男人说再见了吗？真的吗？嗯，这次我就尝试一下不同的做法，如何？我看出我俩之间存在某种情愫。
所以我告诉他我对于吸烟的看法。我没有唠叨责怪他或者命令他做什么。我只是告诉他，对于我来说，我永远无法和一个烟民维持一段长期的恋情或者结婚，并补充说我知道两人才开始约会不久，我并不是要求他戒烟。我只是想让他知道我的感受。我告诉他我喜欢他，想要进一步了解他，还请求他不要在我身边吸烟。就是这样。几个月之后，他戒烟了。
我还告诉他，他的日程安排让我很为难……我得早起，晚睡使我疲惫不堪，还影响到我的工作，但我真的想和他相处，所以希望我们能够想出折衷的方法。猜猜怎么着？他说他也确实不喜欢那种生活方式，只是过去他是单身，也没有令他想要归家的人，但如今我在他身边，他十分愿意花时间陪我，也时常能分派其他人去做那些需要加班到深夜的工作。
哇！之前是我自己在头脑中做出了不实的假想。我很庆幸自己告诉了他，而不是一走了之。如果初时就因为我的“标准”，因为错误的判断而离开，那么我就错失了一段美好的爱情。这使我疑惑：我曾有多少次因妄下定论而错过了了解一个极品男人的机会？
我不是说要忽视那些危险的信号。我只是认为如果你觉得自己处于一成不变的约会状态中，时常体验到失望和沮丧，那么显然你的方式是不对的。事实上，或许你的挑剔，你的标准，都是你为避免受伤而筑起的墙——因为如果你不开始一段恋情，你就不会受伤。仅是一些小感触，仅供大家参考。
瞧，一个男人能减肥修身。他能够戒烟。他也能养成健康饮食习惯。他可能暂时仍和室友住在一起，因为他还没找到合适的女孩或者他正在存钱买房。只要他心胸开阔，他就能从你身上习得新事物，也能轻易接纳你所带来的新事物。或许他也想自己的生活有所改变，只是不知道怎么去改变……如果你草率地决断或者猜测，你将永远无法知道这些……除非你自己去尝试，否则你将永无所知。
你的灵魂伴侣可能身高不够，或者有头长发，或者可能是社区大学毕业的……但是如果你只跟高个的、短发的或者有研究生学历的男人约会，你可能永远都遇不到你一生中的挚爱。要接受更多的可能性，而不是急于作出判断。这些让你迟迟找不到爱情的“标准”之中，有一部分仅仅是假象而已，在这些假象背后，正潜藏着找到一位绝佳伴侣的可能。
Today, there are more single women than ever. There has been much 4)speculation as to why that it is, and I’d like to throw one more 5)hypothesis into the mix: What if maybe, just maybe, these deal breakers are the reason so many women aren’t getting anywhere with men and relationships? I’m not talking deal breakers such as having a drinking or drug problem, or religion or wanting a family. Those are in a different category. I’m talking about deal breakers like “he has to work out a lot”, “he has to be a vegetarian”, “he has to be tall”, “he has to work in finance”, “he has to do yoga”, “he has to have gone to an Ivy League college”, “he can’t have a roommate”, just to name a few.
I had my deal breakers. ONE was: that he lives a healthy lifestyle. The first few dates I went on with my current boyfriend, we had to meet late at night because he had work obligations. I was 6)exhausted and it was affecting my work the next day when I had to get up early and teach. By the third date, when I had to drink three soy lattes from Starbucks to make it through the next day, I thought—oh well, I like him, but this isn’t the kind of life I want. Living like that, with those late hours, wasn’t a healthy lifestyle for me. Okay, so that was one of my deal breakers, so 7)bummer, but I’d have to say goodbye.
Deal breaker number two: NO SMOKING. Guess what? My boyfriend smoked. Bummer; goodbye. I was really upset. I really liked this guy. I was drawn to him. I knew, intuitively, that there was something truly special there. Damn my damn deal breakers.
Then something hit me. Whatever I’d been doing in my past with dating obviously hadn’t been working. And here was this guy I was crazy about that I was going to say goodbye to? Really? Well, how about I just try something different this time? I saw something in him and us.
So I told him how I felt about smoking. I didn’t 8)nag or command. I just told him that, for me, I would never be able to be in a long-term relationship with, or marry, a smoker. I said I know that we just started dating, and I’m not asking him to quit. I just wanted him to know how I felt. I told him that I liked him and wanted to get to know him, and asked him to please not smoke around me. That was it. A few months later, he quit.
I also told him how the schedule he’d been having was rough for me... that I have to get up early, and the late hours were making me exhausted and it affected my work, but that I really wanted to spend time with him, so hopefully we could figure out a 9)compromise. And guess what? He told me that he really doesn’t like living that lifestyle either, but was a single guy and didn’t have anyone he wanted to come home to, but now that I was around, he’d really rather just spend time with me and is actually very often able to send other people to do some of that late night stuff.
WOW. I had made 10)assumptions in my head that weren’t true. I’m so glad I talked to him about it instead of just walking away. If I had left at the beginning because of my “deal breakers,” because of incorrect judgments, I would be missing out on a great love. It made me wonder: How many other times had I jumped to conclusions and lost out on getting to know a terrific guy?
I’m not saying ignore 11)red flags. I’m just saying that if you’re finding yourself in a dating rut, experiencing that constant disappointment and frustration, then obviously what you’re doing isn’t working. In fact, maybe your 12)pickiness, your deal breakers, are really just walls you’re putting up to keep you from getting hurt—because if you don’t even get into a relationship to begin with, then you can’t get hurt. Just some food for thought.
Look—a guy can get in shape. He can stop smoking. He can start eating a more healthy diet. He may only still be living with a roommate because he hasn’t found the right girl yet or because he’s saving money to buy a place. As long as he is open, he can learn new things from you and be exposed to new things from you. Maybe he wants to make changes in his life but doesn’t know how to... you’ll never know about any of those things if you make 13)snap judgments and assumptions.... You’ll never know unless you try.
Your soul mate may be short. Or have long hair. Or may have gone to community college... But if you’ll only date men who are tall or have short hair or went to Graduate School, you may never meet the love of your life. Be open to the possibilities instead of being so quick to judge. Some of these “deal breakers” which are putting you off may merely be 14)illusions, underneath which lie the potential for an amazing partner.
不久前某个晚上，我和一位单身的女性朋友共进晚餐。她三十出头，长得十分可爱、性感，而且聪明有趣。但是最近，她所约会的男生似乎都是雾水情缘。她说她失望透顶，因为这个男人使她很心动，但是第三次约会时，她便变得了无兴趣，因为那个男人似乎表现出一些有悖她择偶标准的行为来。然后我们开始谈论她所经历的痛苦循环——这种循环我过去也一直经历着，直到最近才解脱出来——我听说大多数的单身女性都表示身处这样的循环中：遇到一个男人。喜欢上他。开口闭口都在讲他有多出色，把完全不切实际的期望都寄托在他身上。接着，在数次约会之后，那些期望他一点也达不到，这使我们很失望。我们伤心欲绝，本以为他就是那个“真命天子”；我们怒火中烧，因为又是一个不能开花结果的，于是我们绝望地抱怨：“天底下的好男人都跑哪儿去了？为什么我还是单身！？”
如今，单身女性的数量比以往都要多。对于其原因存在很多推测，而我则想往上面添加多一种假说：假使可能，只是可能，这些择偶标准会不会正是许多女性谈起感情来总是原地踏步的原因呢？我说的择偶标准可不是指那些诸如酗酒、吸毒、宗教信仰或是想要组织家庭这类的问题。这些属于不同的类别。我所说的择偶标准，是指“他必须勤锻炼”、“他必须是个素食主义者”、“他必须是高个儿”、“他必须从事金融方面的工作”、“他必须做瑜伽”、“他必须是常春藤盟校毕业的”、“他不能有室友”……诸如此类。
我也有我的标准。第一：他必须有健康的生活方式。我和我现任男友最初几次约会时，由于他工作压身，我们不得不在深夜见面。我筋疲力尽，约会还影响到我第二天的工作，因为我得早起给学生上课。到了第三次约会，我不得不喝下三杯星巴克大豆拿铁咖啡才撑过第二天，我想——噢，好吧，我喜欢他，但这不是我想要过的生活。那样的生活，夜深出没，对于我来说不是健康的生活方式。好吧，那就是我的其中一项择偶标准，糟透了，但是我不得不说拜拜了。
标准二：不准吸烟。猜猜怎么着？我的男朋友吸烟。糟糕……拜拜了。我那时实在心烦。我真的很喜欢这个男人。我被他吸引住了。我知道，直觉告诉我，我们之间真的有着特别的情愫。该死，我那该死的标准。
然后，我突然顿悟。在以往的约会中我的所作所为显然是行不通的。而现在又要与这个我为之着迷的男人说再见了吗？真的吗？嗯，这次我就尝试一下不同的做法，如何？我看出我俩之间存在某种情愫。
所以我告诉他我对于吸烟的看法。我没有唠叨责怪他或者命令他做什么。我只是告诉他，对于我来说，我永远无法和一个烟民维持一段长期的恋情或者结婚，并补充说我知道两人才开始约会不久，我并不是要求他戒烟。我只是想让他知道我的感受。我告诉他我喜欢他，想要进一步了解他，还请求他不要在我身边吸烟。就是这样。几个月之后，他戒烟了。
我还告诉他，他的日程安排让我很为难……我得早起，晚睡使我疲惫不堪，还影响到我的工作，但我真的想和他相处，所以希望我们能够想出折衷的方法。猜猜怎么着？他说他也确实不喜欢那种生活方式，只是过去他是单身，也没有令他想要归家的人，但如今我在他身边，他十分愿意花时间陪我，也时常能分派其他人去做那些需要加班到深夜的工作。
哇！之前是我自己在头脑中做出了不实的假想。我很庆幸自己告诉了他，而不是一走了之。如果初时就因为我的“标准”，因为错误的判断而离开，那么我就错失了一段美好的爱情。这使我疑惑：我曾有多少次因妄下定论而错过了了解一个极品男人的机会？
我不是说要忽视那些危险的信号。我只是认为如果你觉得自己处于一成不变的约会状态中，时常体验到失望和沮丧，那么显然你的方式是不对的。事实上，或许你的挑剔，你的标准，都是你为避免受伤而筑起的墙——因为如果你不开始一段恋情，你就不会受伤。仅是一些小感触，仅供大家参考。
瞧，一个男人能减肥修身。他能够戒烟。他也能养成健康饮食习惯。他可能暂时仍和室友住在一起，因为他还没找到合适的女孩或者他正在存钱买房。只要他心胸开阔，他就能从你身上习得新事物，也能轻易接纳你所带来的新事物。或许他也想自己的生活有所改变，只是不知道怎么去改变……如果你草率地决断或者猜测，你将永远无法知道这些……除非你自己去尝试，否则你将永无所知。
你的灵魂伴侣可能身高不够，或者有头长发，或者可能是社区大学毕业的……但是如果你只跟高个的、短发的或者有研究生学历的男人约会，你可能永远都遇不到你一生中的挚爱。要接受更多的可能性，而不是急于作出判断。这些让你迟迟找不到爱情的“标准”之中，有一部分仅仅是假象而已，在这些假象背后，正潜藏着找到一位绝佳伴侣的可能。