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A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like to stop for a coffee?” “No, thanks.” he answered truthfully. So they didn’t stop. The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed, because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing that his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn’t she just say what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question, not in order to get an instant decision, but rather to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn’t realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and a woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it’s no wonder they can find themselves 1)leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
We cannot 2)lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play. Here are some of the most common areas of conflict:
Independence vs. Intimacy
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence.
When Josh’s old high-school friend called him at work to say he’d be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a 3)houseguest. Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans, without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. “Why don’t you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?” she asked. Josh replied, “I can’t tell my friend, ‘I have to ask my wife for permission’!”
To Josh, checking with his wife would have meant that he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an 4)underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, “I have to check with Josh.” It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband’s.
Advice vs. Understanding
Eve had a 5)benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the 6)contour of her breast, he answered, “You can always have plastic surgery.” This comment bothered her. “I’m sorry you don’t like the way it looks,” she protested. “But I’m not having any more surgery!” Mark was hurt and puzzled. “I don’t care about a scar,” he replied. “It doesn’t bother me at all.” “Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?” she asked. “Because you were upset about the way it looks.” Eve felt like a 7)heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she 8)snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
When my mother tells my father she doesn’t feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.
Conflict vs. Compromise
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes, it’s far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who 9)commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were “interesting” but in continual need of repair. After one incident, in which Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market looking for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a 10)late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car; but he would not be swayed. Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the “boring-but-dependable” car, and steeled herself for Hank’s anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of 11)remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears, and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it. As Dora discovered, a little conflict won’t kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation.
When we don’t see style diffe-rences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: “You’re illogical,” “You’re self-centered,” “You don’t care about me.” But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from 12)spiraling out of control.
一对夫妇坐在一辆车里，这时妻子转过头问她丈夫：“你想停下来喝杯咖啡吗？”“不，谢谢。”他诚实地回答道。于是他们没有停下来。结果呢？那位确实想停下来喝杯咖啡的妻子变得恼火起来，因为她觉得丈夫不考虑她的偏好。而丈夫看见妻子生气了，他也变得沮丧起来。为什么她不干脆说她想停下来喝杯咖啡呢？
不幸的是，他没有领会到，他妻子刚才问那个问题，不是为了让他立即决定，而是想和他商量商量。而那个女人没有意识到当她丈夫拒绝时，他不过是在表达他的偏好，并不是在下命令。当男人和女人对同一段对话的理解如此背道而驰，难怪他们会针锋相对地互相指责对方自私、顽固了。
我们无法把所有男人和所有女人统一归类到固定的范畴里。但困扰两性关系的那些表面看来毫无意义的误解之所以存在，一部分原因可能在于男人和女人运用的交谈准则不同。以下是一些最常见的会发生冲突的领域：
“独立”对“亲密”
因为女人们往往会从亲疏远近和是否相互支持两方面思考问题，所以她们奋力维护亲密关系。而关心社会地位的男人们则倾向于更多地关注个人的独立性。
乔希的高中老同学在他上班时打电话来说，他将到乔希所在的城市去，乔希邀请他留下来一起过周末。那天晚上他告诉琳达，他们将有一个客人要来家里暂住。琳达很不高兴。乔希怎么能不事先和她商量一下，就做出这些安排？她是决不会对他做出这种事的。“你为什么不告诉你朋友，你得和你妻子商量商量呢？”她问道。乔希回答道：“我总不能告诉我朋友，‘我得先征得我妻子的同意’吧！”
对乔希来说，要和他妻子商量会显得他没有独立行动的自主权。那会让他觉得自己像个孩子，或是一个下属。但事实上琳达很喜欢告诉别人：“我得和乔希商量一下。”以示她和丈夫的生活交织在一起，这让她感觉很好。
“建议”对“理解”
伊芙通过手术把她乳房里的一块良性肿块切除了。当她向丈夫马克倾诉她因为缝线影响了她乳房的外形而很难过的时候，马克回答道：“你随时可以去做整形手术啊。”这个意见让她很烦恼。“你不喜欢它的外形，这让我感到很难受，”她抗议道，“但我不会再做任何手术了！”马克听了感到又伤心又迷惑。“我不在乎任何疤痕，”他回答道，“它根本不会对我造成任何困扰。”“那你为什么叫我去做整形手术？”她问道。“因为你对它的外形感到很难过啊。”伊芙感觉自己是在无理取闹。马克在她的整个手术过程中都非常支持她。她现在怎么能这么凶巴巴地对他说话？
这个问题归因于交谈方式的不同。对于很多男人来说，抱怨就是要求别人提出解决方法。马克认为，他告诉伊芙她可以怎样处理她的疤痕，是在帮助她恢复信心。但通常女人们是在寻求情感支持，而非解决方法。
每当我母亲告诉我父亲她感觉不舒服时，他总是无一例外地提出要带她去看医生。于是母亲总是对于他的反应很失望。像很多男人一样，他关注于他能做什么，然而她需要的是同情。
“冲突”对“妥协”
为了避免争吵，一些女人不会公开反对他人的意愿。但有时，如果女人能不畏导致冲突的风险而大胆说出自己的想法，事情可以好办得多。
多拉驾驶过一系列令她心烦的二手车。是她自己开车进城上班，但却是她丈夫汉克选车。汉克总是青睐那些“有意思”却需要频频修理的车。有一次出了意外，多拉的刹车失灵，几乎使她丧命。事后他们又到市场去物色二手车。多拉想从一个朋友那买一辆最新款的小轿车。汉克却独独对一辆已有十五年车龄的跑车很欣赏。她试图说服汉克，买一辆款式普通但性能可靠的车更有意义。但他就是坚持己见。若在以前，她一定会顺从丈夫的意愿。但这一次，多拉买了那辆“款式普通但性能可靠”的车，并坚强地预备应对汉克的怒火。令她惊讶的是，他没有说任何反对的话。后来她告诉了他自己先前的预料，他笑她担心太多了，并且说，既然她这么有自己的想法，她从一开始就应该照自己的意愿去做。于是多拉发现，一场小争吵没什么大不了的。同时，为了减少冲突，习惯了质疑他人的男性也可以调整他们的交谈方式。
当我们没有看到男女思维的差异时，我们有时会得出不公正的论断，如“你不讲道理”，“你只顾自己”，“你不关心我”。然而一旦我们掌握了这两种各具特色的思维方式，我们就更有可能控制争辩，防止它一发而不可收拾。
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question, not in order to get an instant decision, but rather to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn’t realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and a woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it’s no wonder they can find themselves 1)leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
We cannot 2)lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play. Here are some of the most common areas of conflict:
Independence vs. Intimacy
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence.
When Josh’s old high-school friend called him at work to say he’d be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a 3)houseguest. Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans, without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. “Why don’t you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?” she asked. Josh replied, “I can’t tell my friend, ‘I have to ask my wife for permission’!”
To Josh, checking with his wife would have meant that he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an 4)underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, “I have to check with Josh.” It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband’s.
Advice vs. Understanding
Eve had a 5)benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the 6)contour of her breast, he answered, “You can always have plastic surgery.” This comment bothered her. “I’m sorry you don’t like the way it looks,” she protested. “But I’m not having any more surgery!” Mark was hurt and puzzled. “I don’t care about a scar,” he replied. “It doesn’t bother me at all.” “Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?” she asked. “Because you were upset about the way it looks.” Eve felt like a 7)heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she 8)snap at him now?
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.
When my mother tells my father she doesn’t feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.
Conflict vs. Compromise
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes, it’s far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who 9)commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were “interesting” but in continual need of repair. After one incident, in which Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market looking for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a 10)late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car; but he would not be swayed. Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the “boring-but-dependable” car, and steeled herself for Hank’s anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of 11)remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears, and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it. As Dora discovered, a little conflict won’t kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation.
When we don’t see style diffe-rences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: “You’re illogical,” “You’re self-centered,” “You don’t care about me.” But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from 12)spiraling out of control.
一对夫妇坐在一辆车里，这时妻子转过头问她丈夫：“你想停下来喝杯咖啡吗？”“不，谢谢。”他诚实地回答道。于是他们没有停下来。结果呢？那位确实想停下来喝杯咖啡的妻子变得恼火起来，因为她觉得丈夫不考虑她的偏好。而丈夫看见妻子生气了，他也变得沮丧起来。为什么她不干脆说她想停下来喝杯咖啡呢？
不幸的是，他没有领会到，他妻子刚才问那个问题，不是为了让他立即决定，而是想和他商量商量。而那个女人没有意识到当她丈夫拒绝时，他不过是在表达他的偏好，并不是在下命令。当男人和女人对同一段对话的理解如此背道而驰，难怪他们会针锋相对地互相指责对方自私、顽固了。
我们无法把所有男人和所有女人统一归类到固定的范畴里。但困扰两性关系的那些表面看来毫无意义的误解之所以存在，一部分原因可能在于男人和女人运用的交谈准则不同。以下是一些最常见的会发生冲突的领域：
“独立”对“亲密”
因为女人们往往会从亲疏远近和是否相互支持两方面思考问题，所以她们奋力维护亲密关系。而关心社会地位的男人们则倾向于更多地关注个人的独立性。
乔希的高中老同学在他上班时打电话来说，他将到乔希所在的城市去，乔希邀请他留下来一起过周末。那天晚上他告诉琳达，他们将有一个客人要来家里暂住。琳达很不高兴。乔希怎么能不事先和她商量一下，就做出这些安排？她是决不会对他做出这种事的。“你为什么不告诉你朋友，你得和你妻子商量商量呢？”她问道。乔希回答道：“我总不能告诉我朋友，‘我得先征得我妻子的同意’吧！”
对乔希来说，要和他妻子商量会显得他没有独立行动的自主权。那会让他觉得自己像个孩子，或是一个下属。但事实上琳达很喜欢告诉别人：“我得和乔希商量一下。”以示她和丈夫的生活交织在一起，这让她感觉很好。
“建议”对“理解”
伊芙通过手术把她乳房里的一块良性肿块切除了。当她向丈夫马克倾诉她因为缝线影响了她乳房的外形而很难过的时候，马克回答道：“你随时可以去做整形手术啊。”这个意见让她很烦恼。“你不喜欢它的外形，这让我感到很难受，”她抗议道，“但我不会再做任何手术了！”马克听了感到又伤心又迷惑。“我不在乎任何疤痕，”他回答道，“它根本不会对我造成任何困扰。”“那你为什么叫我去做整形手术？”她问道。“因为你对它的外形感到很难过啊。”伊芙感觉自己是在无理取闹。马克在她的整个手术过程中都非常支持她。她现在怎么能这么凶巴巴地对他说话？
这个问题归因于交谈方式的不同。对于很多男人来说，抱怨就是要求别人提出解决方法。马克认为，他告诉伊芙她可以怎样处理她的疤痕，是在帮助她恢复信心。但通常女人们是在寻求情感支持，而非解决方法。
每当我母亲告诉我父亲她感觉不舒服时，他总是无一例外地提出要带她去看医生。于是母亲总是对于他的反应很失望。像很多男人一样，他关注于他能做什么，然而她需要的是同情。
“冲突”对“妥协”
为了避免争吵，一些女人不会公开反对他人的意愿。但有时，如果女人能不畏导致冲突的风险而大胆说出自己的想法，事情可以好办得多。
多拉驾驶过一系列令她心烦的二手车。是她自己开车进城上班，但却是她丈夫汉克选车。汉克总是青睐那些“有意思”却需要频频修理的车。有一次出了意外，多拉的刹车失灵，几乎使她丧命。事后他们又到市场去物色二手车。多拉想从一个朋友那买一辆最新款的小轿车。汉克却独独对一辆已有十五年车龄的跑车很欣赏。她试图说服汉克，买一辆款式普通但性能可靠的车更有意义。但他就是坚持己见。若在以前，她一定会顺从丈夫的意愿。但这一次，多拉买了那辆“款式普通但性能可靠”的车，并坚强地预备应对汉克的怒火。令她惊讶的是，他没有说任何反对的话。后来她告诉了他自己先前的预料，他笑她担心太多了，并且说，既然她这么有自己的想法，她从一开始就应该照自己的意愿去做。于是多拉发现，一场小争吵没什么大不了的。同时，为了减少冲突，习惯了质疑他人的男性也可以调整他们的交谈方式。
当我们没有看到男女思维的差异时，我们有时会得出不公正的论断，如“你不讲道理”，“你只顾自己”，“你不关心我”。然而一旦我们掌握了这两种各具特色的思维方式，我们就更有可能控制争辩，防止它一发而不可收拾。