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改善家庭沟通的第一个技巧不是你如何去说，而是如何去听。如果你不用心去听对方说话，那么对方也就无法继续与你沟通下去，结果就会变成“I can’t talk to you.”
Scene 1: from the movie Meet the Fockers
场景一：选自电影《拜见岳父大人2 / 非常女婿2》
Jack: I’m not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. ①To say the least, I don’t like what I’m seeing from these Fockers.
Pam: What?
Jack: Has Greg ever mentioned the name Jorje to you?
Pam: Jor... I don’t know what you’re talking about. No, why?
Jack: Because ②I think your 1)fianc?may have a few 2)skeletons in his 3)closet, that he is not telling you about. And skeletons don’t like living in closets.
Pam: Oh, my God, ③here we go again. Dad, listen, you know, Greg has no skeletons. OK? And... listen to me...
Jack: Oh, really?
Pam: He does not.
Jack: You know that!
Pam: Yes, I know that. Will you just... I’m not a child.
Jack: I see. She knows that.
Dina: Jack.
Pam: This wedding is going to happen. And ④the sooner you’re starting to accept that, the better it’s going to be for all of us. ⑤I can’t talk to you.
Dina: No. Wait a second, sweetheart.
Jack: And I’m not so sure Roz is a yoga instructor, either.
Dina: Jack, you promised that you’d ⑥behave yourself. And what you said to those people was really hurtful. I think you should go up there and apologize.
Jack: I’m not gonna apologize to them.
Dina: Jack...
(Jack walked out and closed the door.)
杰克：我觉得不该办这场婚礼。至少可以这样说，我不喜欢我看到的福克这一家子。
帕姆：什么？
杰克：格雷格有没有向你提及过一个叫霍伊的人？
帕姆：霍什么？我不知道你说的是什么。没有提过，怎么了？
杰克：因为我觉得你的未婚夫还隐藏着一些见不得光的事没有告诉你。而这些事总有见光的一天的。
帕姆：噢，我的天，又来了。爸，听我说，你知道的，格雷格没有什么见不得光的事。听到了吗？还有，你听我说……
杰克：哦，真的吗？
帕姆：他没有。
杰克：你确定没有？
帕姆：是的，我确定。你就不能听我说吗，我不是三岁小孩了。
杰克：你瞧，她是知道那事的。
黛娜：杰克……
帕姆：这婚礼非举行不可。你越早接受这一点，我们大家就都好过一点。我没法和你再谈了。
黛娜：别，等等，甜心。
杰克：另外，我也不觉得罗兹是个瑜珈教师。
黛娜：杰克，你答应过我会克制自己的。但是你对他们说的话实在太伤人了。我觉得你应该上去跟他们道歉。
杰克：我才不会向他们道歉。
黛娜：杰克……
（杰克走出房间并关上房门。）
Smart Sentences
① To say the least... 至少可以说……
to say the least: what is (going to be) said is actually much more serious or important than it seems（事情实际上比要说或已经说的要严重），该词组常用于引起听者的重视，可放在句首或句末。
e.g. Gambling can destroy your career, to say the least.（至少可以这样说，赌博会毁了一个人的职业。）
similar expression: the least I can say
suitable occasion: oral
② I think your fianc?may have a few skeletons in his closet. 我觉得你的未婚夫还隐藏着一些见不得光的事没有告诉你。
have a skeleton in the closet: keeps a bad secret or embarrassing fact about oneself, emphasizing sth. to hide from the past（有不可告人的秘密或丑事），英国英语里常用have a skeleton in the cupboard。
e.g. Everyone has a few skeletons in his closet.（每个人都有自己的秘密。）
suitable occasion: written & oral
③ here we go again又来了
here we go again = we are going back to the same subject（我们又回到老问题了），这通常是说话者不耐烦的表示。
suitable occasion: oral, informal
④ the sooner you’re starting to accept that, the better it’s going to be for all of us你越早接受这一点我们大家就都好过一点
这是“越……就越……”的表达，前后有必然的联系（a structure to express cause and effect relation）。
e.g. the sooner the better （越快越好）
suitable occasion: written & oral
⑤ I can’t talk to you. 我没法和你再谈了。
I can’t talk to you: it’s no use that I talk to you, expressing disappointment and frustration（表示对对方的不理解感到失望沮丧）
= it’s impossible to talk to you
suitable occasion: oral, informal
⑥ behave yourself 克制自己
behave yourself: act in the way people think is correct and proper（言行与常人的行为准则一致），一般不是泛泛而谈，而是有所指。此为祈使句，通常在两种情况下使用：长辈对晚辈的忠告，或者同辈之间的玩笑话。
suitable occasion: oral, formal & informal
技巧要诀
When you listen well to family members, you encourage them to talk about what is most important to them. It’s easy to get careless about really listening in families. We may assume we know what the other person means or we may pretend to listen while we do something else.
1. Listening requires attentiveness. Paying attention, and putting aside what you are doing shows the speaker you intend to listen. A harder part of attentiveness is putting aside your own opinions, thoughts, and conclusions until you’ve heard what the speaker is trying to say.
2. Listening requires an attitude of openness and respect for what your family member is saying. You may not agree, but being willing to hear what the other person believes communicates your respect for that person.
3. Listening requires both hearing words and sensing feelings. Check out your interpretation of the message you are getting. “Do you mean ... ?”“Are you saying ... ?”Feedback helps you know whether you’ve understood what your family member really means.
4. Listening requires a validating response, not necessarily an answer. “Tell me more about that.”or “How long have you felt that way?”are examples of responses that let the other person know you are ready for more listening.
5. Listening is difficult when strong emotions are present. Just being with a family member who is going through a hard time shows that you care. Making yourself available to listen even when your spouse or child may not be quite ready to talk is a good first step. A gentle touch or hug can show support when you don’t know what to say.
当你很认真地倾听你的家人说话时，你实际上是在鼓励他说出对他而言最重要的事情。但是，在实际的家庭沟通里，我们很容易就会忽视了倾听的真正要旨。我们可能以为自己清楚对方在说什么，又或者假装在听，但其实是在做其它事。
1. 倾听时要投入。对话题表示关心，或者放下手头的工作都是向说话者传达你随时愿意倾听的信息。在倾听中比较难做到的一点，就是暂时放下你自己的想法、意见和推断，直到你真正了解说话者要表达的意思为止。
2. 倾听时要保持开放的态度和对家人言论的尊重。你可以不赞同对方的话，但是你愿意去聆听对方的想法，这样就表示了你对对方的尊重。
3. 倾听不单单是听，还要感同身受。你可以经常提出像“你的意思是……吗？”“你是不是说……呢？”这样的问题，以保证你准确解读了对方的意思。对方的反馈信息有助于你确认自己是否真正理解了家人所要表达的意思。
4. 倾听时需要的是一个积极的反应，而并不一定是一个答案。“再告诉我一些关于那个的事情。”“你有这种感觉多久了？”如此这般的反应都让对方知道你已经准备好倾听更多的内容。
5. 当强烈的感情掺杂其中时，倾听就变得愈发困难。在家人遇到困难时，仅仅是陪伴在他身边，都已经表示你很在意他。即使在你的伴侣或者孩子并不太乐意交谈的时候，你都为交谈预留出时间，你便走出了很好的第一步。而当你不知道说什么时，一个温柔的抚摸或者一个拥抱便是最好的支持。
Scene 1: from the movie Meet the Fockers
场景一：选自电影《拜见岳父大人2 / 非常女婿2》
Jack: I’m not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. ①To say the least, I don’t like what I’m seeing from these Fockers.
Pam: What?
Jack: Has Greg ever mentioned the name Jorje to you?
Pam: Jor... I don’t know what you’re talking about. No, why?
Jack: Because ②I think your 1)fianc?may have a few 2)skeletons in his 3)closet, that he is not telling you about. And skeletons don’t like living in closets.
Pam: Oh, my God, ③here we go again. Dad, listen, you know, Greg has no skeletons. OK? And... listen to me...
Jack: Oh, really?
Pam: He does not.
Jack: You know that!
Pam: Yes, I know that. Will you just... I’m not a child.
Jack: I see. She knows that.
Dina: Jack.
Pam: This wedding is going to happen. And ④the sooner you’re starting to accept that, the better it’s going to be for all of us. ⑤I can’t talk to you.
Dina: No. Wait a second, sweetheart.
Jack: And I’m not so sure Roz is a yoga instructor, either.
Dina: Jack, you promised that you’d ⑥behave yourself. And what you said to those people was really hurtful. I think you should go up there and apologize.
Jack: I’m not gonna apologize to them.
Dina: Jack...
(Jack walked out and closed the door.)
杰克：我觉得不该办这场婚礼。至少可以这样说，我不喜欢我看到的福克这一家子。
帕姆：什么？
杰克：格雷格有没有向你提及过一个叫霍伊的人？
帕姆：霍什么？我不知道你说的是什么。没有提过，怎么了？
杰克：因为我觉得你的未婚夫还隐藏着一些见不得光的事没有告诉你。而这些事总有见光的一天的。
帕姆：噢，我的天，又来了。爸，听我说，你知道的，格雷格没有什么见不得光的事。听到了吗？还有，你听我说……
杰克：哦，真的吗？
帕姆：他没有。
杰克：你确定没有？
帕姆：是的，我确定。你就不能听我说吗，我不是三岁小孩了。
杰克：你瞧，她是知道那事的。
黛娜：杰克……
帕姆：这婚礼非举行不可。你越早接受这一点，我们大家就都好过一点。我没法和你再谈了。
黛娜：别，等等，甜心。
杰克：另外，我也不觉得罗兹是个瑜珈教师。
黛娜：杰克，你答应过我会克制自己的。但是你对他们说的话实在太伤人了。我觉得你应该上去跟他们道歉。
杰克：我才不会向他们道歉。
黛娜：杰克……
（杰克走出房间并关上房门。）
Smart Sentences
① To say the least... 至少可以说……
to say the least: what is (going to be) said is actually much more serious or important than it seems（事情实际上比要说或已经说的要严重），该词组常用于引起听者的重视，可放在句首或句末。
e.g. Gambling can destroy your career, to say the least.（至少可以这样说，赌博会毁了一个人的职业。）
similar expression: the least I can say
suitable occasion: oral
② I think your fianc?may have a few skeletons in his closet. 我觉得你的未婚夫还隐藏着一些见不得光的事没有告诉你。
have a skeleton in the closet: keeps a bad secret or embarrassing fact about oneself, emphasizing sth. to hide from the past（有不可告人的秘密或丑事），英国英语里常用have a skeleton in the cupboard。
e.g. Everyone has a few skeletons in his closet.（每个人都有自己的秘密。）
suitable occasion: written & oral
③ here we go again又来了
here we go again = we are going back to the same subject（我们又回到老问题了），这通常是说话者不耐烦的表示。
suitable occasion: oral, informal
④ the sooner you’re starting to accept that, the better it’s going to be for all of us你越早接受这一点我们大家就都好过一点
这是“越……就越……”的表达，前后有必然的联系（a structure to express cause and effect relation）。
e.g. the sooner the better （越快越好）
suitable occasion: written & oral
⑤ I can’t talk to you. 我没法和你再谈了。
I can’t talk to you: it’s no use that I talk to you, expressing disappointment and frustration（表示对对方的不理解感到失望沮丧）
= it’s impossible to talk to you
suitable occasion: oral, informal
⑥ behave yourself 克制自己
behave yourself: act in the way people think is correct and proper（言行与常人的行为准则一致），一般不是泛泛而谈，而是有所指。此为祈使句，通常在两种情况下使用：长辈对晚辈的忠告，或者同辈之间的玩笑话。
suitable occasion: oral, formal & informal
技巧要诀
When you listen well to family members, you encourage them to talk about what is most important to them. It’s easy to get careless about really listening in families. We may assume we know what the other person means or we may pretend to listen while we do something else.
1. Listening requires attentiveness. Paying attention, and putting aside what you are doing shows the speaker you intend to listen. A harder part of attentiveness is putting aside your own opinions, thoughts, and conclusions until you’ve heard what the speaker is trying to say.
2. Listening requires an attitude of openness and respect for what your family member is saying. You may not agree, but being willing to hear what the other person believes communicates your respect for that person.
3. Listening requires both hearing words and sensing feelings. Check out your interpretation of the message you are getting. “Do you mean ... ?”“Are you saying ... ?”Feedback helps you know whether you’ve understood what your family member really means.
4. Listening requires a validating response, not necessarily an answer. “Tell me more about that.”or “How long have you felt that way?”are examples of responses that let the other person know you are ready for more listening.
5. Listening is difficult when strong emotions are present. Just being with a family member who is going through a hard time shows that you care. Making yourself available to listen even when your spouse or child may not be quite ready to talk is a good first step. A gentle touch or hug can show support when you don’t know what to say.
当你很认真地倾听你的家人说话时，你实际上是在鼓励他说出对他而言最重要的事情。但是，在实际的家庭沟通里，我们很容易就会忽视了倾听的真正要旨。我们可能以为自己清楚对方在说什么，又或者假装在听，但其实是在做其它事。
1. 倾听时要投入。对话题表示关心，或者放下手头的工作都是向说话者传达你随时愿意倾听的信息。在倾听中比较难做到的一点，就是暂时放下你自己的想法、意见和推断，直到你真正了解说话者要表达的意思为止。
2. 倾听时要保持开放的态度和对家人言论的尊重。你可以不赞同对方的话，但是你愿意去聆听对方的想法，这样就表示了你对对方的尊重。
3. 倾听不单单是听，还要感同身受。你可以经常提出像“你的意思是……吗？”“你是不是说……呢？”这样的问题，以保证你准确解读了对方的意思。对方的反馈信息有助于你确认自己是否真正理解了家人所要表达的意思。
4. 倾听时需要的是一个积极的反应，而并不一定是一个答案。“再告诉我一些关于那个的事情。”“你有这种感觉多久了？”如此这般的反应都让对方知道你已经准备好倾听更多的内容。
5. 当强烈的感情掺杂其中时，倾听就变得愈发困难。在家人遇到困难时，仅仅是陪伴在他身边，都已经表示你很在意他。即使在你的伴侣或者孩子并不太乐意交谈的时候，你都为交谈预留出时间，你便走出了很好的第一步。而当你不知道说什么时，一个温柔的抚摸或者一个拥抱便是最好的支持。