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When anyone asks whether I have any brothers or sisters， I say I have a younger brother. Some people ask more questions about you. How old is he？ What does he do？ I answer， “Oh， he passed away.”
Recently， someone asked why I say “have” and not “had”. It’s deliberate1， I explained. I am a sister. A strange， bad-tempered2， 31-year-old big sister. To be a big sister， you have to have a younger brother， so...
I went through all the stages of grief3 after you died. Anger， in great anger. Hysterical4 crying. Utter5 loneliness. It’s been seven years since you died， and even now， from time to time， I have moments when I can’t breathe， knowing you’re gone.
Each year， something new brings this grief to the surface6. In 2013 it was moving into my first house， without you. In 2014， it was getting a new job， without you. In 2017， it was getting married， without you （that was particularly hard）. This year， 2019—I’m thinking about having children， without you.
I’m scared. What if my children don’t have the relationship we had？ The thought scares me， even more so after I learned that a lot of relationships between brothers and sisters are fractious7. It felt normal that ours was unconditional， fun and loving.
I know you would have been a great uncle， too. You would have been the happy to my serious. Even at 20， you were so good with children. Most guys your age wouldn’t give a second thought to a five-year-old. But you were patient and funny.
You never forgot my birthday. In fact， you gave the best birthday presents of anyone I know. I still have that black dress. And the empty bottle of Versace perfume8 you knew I really wanted （sorry， husband， but your presents don’t even compare）.
And it could have all been different. I would have dropped everything， done anything for you. You just had to say. You just had to take that first step and tell me. Tell me you weren’t happy. Instead， you took your own life away from yourself. You took your life away from me.
Love you always and for ever.
每當有人问起我有没有兄弟姐妹时，我都会说我有一个弟弟。他们会追问更多你的情况，“他多大了？”“他是做什么的？”我都会回答：“哦，他已经去世了。”
最近有人问我，为什么说“有”一个弟弟而不是“曾经有”。我是故意的，我解释道。我是一个姐姐，一个古怪的、坏脾气的、31岁的姐姐。如果想当姐姐，就必须要有一个弟弟，所以……
自从你去世，我经历了悲伤的各个阶段。愤怒，强烈的愤怒;歇斯底里的痛哭;彻底的孤独。尽管你已经去世七年了，但即使是现在，时不时地，只要一想起你已经离开了，我仍然心痛到无法呼吸。
每一年，总有一些新的事情让悲痛浮现在心头。2013年我搬进第一套房子，你不在;2014年，我换了新工作，你不知道;2017年，我结婚了，你也没有出现（这次最为难过）;今年——2019年，我考虑要孩子，你仍不在身边。
我很害怕，害怕如果我的孩子不像你我之间关系这么好怎么办？这个想法让我恐惧，尤其当我了解到很多兄弟姐妹之间都喜欢争吵发脾气时，恐惧的感觉更甚。我们姐弟两个之间无条件的、有趣的和友爱的关系才是正常的。
我知道你本来也可以成为一个好舅舅，本可以给严肃的我带来快乐。尽管你都20岁了，还可以跟孩子们玩得很开心。很多男孩在你的年纪根本不会想和5岁孩子一起玩，你却一直如此有耐心，又有趣。
你从没忘记过我的生日。事实上，你曾给过我世上最好的生日礼物。我一直留着（你送的）那件黑裙子，还有你知道我曾经心心念念的范思哲香水的空瓶子（对不起，我的丈夫，你的那些礼物根本没法比）。
一切本可以完全不同的。如果可以，我情愿失去一切，为你做任何事。只要你开口，只要你迈出那一步，主动告诉我，告诉我你过得不开心。然而，你却结束了自己的生命，离开了我的人生。
永远，永远爱你。
Notes
1. deliberate
Recently， someone asked why I say “have” and not “had”. It’s deliberate1， I explained. I am a sister. A strange， bad-tempered2， 31-year-old big sister. To be a big sister， you have to have a younger brother， so...
I went through all the stages of grief3 after you died. Anger， in great anger. Hysterical4 crying. Utter5 loneliness. It’s been seven years since you died， and even now， from time to time， I have moments when I can’t breathe， knowing you’re gone.
Each year， something new brings this grief to the surface6. In 2013 it was moving into my first house， without you. In 2014， it was getting a new job， without you. In 2017， it was getting married， without you （that was particularly hard）. This year， 2019—I’m thinking about having children， without you.
I’m scared. What if my children don’t have the relationship we had？ The thought scares me， even more so after I learned that a lot of relationships between brothers and sisters are fractious7. It felt normal that ours was unconditional， fun and loving.
I know you would have been a great uncle， too. You would have been the happy to my serious. Even at 20， you were so good with children. Most guys your age wouldn’t give a second thought to a five-year-old. But you were patient and funny.
You never forgot my birthday. In fact， you gave the best birthday presents of anyone I know. I still have that black dress. And the empty bottle of Versace perfume8 you knew I really wanted （sorry， husband， but your presents don’t even compare）.
And it could have all been different. I would have dropped everything， done anything for you. You just had to say. You just had to take that first step and tell me. Tell me you weren’t happy. Instead， you took your own life away from yourself. You took your life away from me.
Love you always and for ever.
每當有人问起我有没有兄弟姐妹时，我都会说我有一个弟弟。他们会追问更多你的情况，“他多大了？”“他是做什么的？”我都会回答：“哦，他已经去世了。”
最近有人问我，为什么说“有”一个弟弟而不是“曾经有”。我是故意的，我解释道。我是一个姐姐，一个古怪的、坏脾气的、31岁的姐姐。如果想当姐姐，就必须要有一个弟弟，所以……
自从你去世，我经历了悲伤的各个阶段。愤怒，强烈的愤怒;歇斯底里的痛哭;彻底的孤独。尽管你已经去世七年了，但即使是现在，时不时地，只要一想起你已经离开了，我仍然心痛到无法呼吸。
每一年，总有一些新的事情让悲痛浮现在心头。2013年我搬进第一套房子，你不在;2014年，我换了新工作，你不知道;2017年，我结婚了，你也没有出现（这次最为难过）;今年——2019年，我考虑要孩子，你仍不在身边。
我很害怕，害怕如果我的孩子不像你我之间关系这么好怎么办？这个想法让我恐惧，尤其当我了解到很多兄弟姐妹之间都喜欢争吵发脾气时，恐惧的感觉更甚。我们姐弟两个之间无条件的、有趣的和友爱的关系才是正常的。
我知道你本来也可以成为一个好舅舅，本可以给严肃的我带来快乐。尽管你都20岁了，还可以跟孩子们玩得很开心。很多男孩在你的年纪根本不会想和5岁孩子一起玩，你却一直如此有耐心，又有趣。
你从没忘记过我的生日。事实上，你曾给过我世上最好的生日礼物。我一直留着（你送的）那件黑裙子，还有你知道我曾经心心念念的范思哲香水的空瓶子（对不起，我的丈夫，你的那些礼物根本没法比）。
一切本可以完全不同的。如果可以，我情愿失去一切，为你做任何事。只要你开口，只要你迈出那一步，主动告诉我，告诉我你过得不开心。然而，你却结束了自己的生命，离开了我的人生。
永远，永远爱你。
Notes
1. deliberate