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Dear Furniture,
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few 26)regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my 27)blanket apology to all the household furnishings.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
亲爱的家具们：
我写这封信是为你们自从来到我们家后所经受的虐待道歉。你们当中的每一员当初被运到这个新家的时候，都天真无邪，可能还甚感荣幸。只有到后来你们意识到自己陷入何种境地时，你们才惊恐不安。但那个时候，一切都为时已晚了。
如今，沙发深处的缝隙传来痛苦的呻吟声，与它的弹簧一道抱怨孩子们在它上面乱蹦乱跳，不高兴时还一屁股跌坐在沙发垫上。在沙发垫的喘息声中，我听到含糊不清的诉苦，说的是沙发布料和填充料之间的空隙被汽水、牛奶，还有不少其他我和沙发都不愿言明的东西浸透，中间还塞满了被遗忘的玩具和企图在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇兹曾暗示说，在木制品表面撒下大量气味浓烈的雪茄烟灰有助于减少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污渍所造成的褪色现象。不过，在我们家，这种建议显得过于乐观，为此我编织了不少小垫子来盖住家具表面的损伤痕迹。
我们家厨房的椅子显然没有受此优待，它们被拖来拖去做代用垫脚凳，或者成为模仿超人“起飞” 的临时起跳台。我注意到，当它们要做的事情不仅仅局限于围着饭桌摆摆样子时，它们总要采取摇晃椅腿的方式进行无声抗议。
我有一张祖传的书桌，它从前曾相继在我奶奶和我父母的家里作装饰之用。不过，我觉得它可能并不喜欢自个儿如今的角色：有人刚把堆在它上面的玩意儿清除干净，它又开始成为一个新的容纳一切的临时杂物堆放处。我敢打赌，梳妆台的抽屉对我刚学步的儿子把它们当成临时阶梯爬上去，以拿到旁边大衣橱顶上的东西这种富有创意的做法并不乐意。我怀疑，大衣橱对孩子的这种作法也是不满的，只是我还没听到它抱怨。可能是因为它相传出自阿米什人之手，所以回避与我交流。
还有就是靠着饭厅的墙有一个印第安纳橱柜。当初我把它搬上卡车时，它并没有意识到它还要再迁居六次，并且经历一次火灾。在准备最后一次搬迁时，我觉得我看到橱柜上部神经质地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把摇椅名副其实地气得冒烟，因为小孩还没有学会自己上厕所而把尿撒在它身上。这可无助于它与我们的关系，因为我想它不会忘了曾有一只小狗错把它的椅腿当成了用来嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很怀念我父亲在我上中学时给我的书柜。可是，书架上常常堆得满满的书把可怜的它给毁了。如今它正与我们家一些过去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脱不了被虐待的厄运，即使是少数几件豪华家具也不能说自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次过对家里全体家具道个歉。
在说了这些后，我会尽量以一些迟到的呵护来弥补从前的过失。我会去买一些墨菲牌木家具专用清洁剂，再租一部带有家具装潢设备的地毯清洗机，这样我就可以替沙发和椅子们清除掉它们厌恶的一些东西，使他们感到在这个家里重获新生并充满活力。
我想，你们都不曾认识到你们对我的重要性！没有你们，我就没有一个放灯的平台以照亮房间，也就不能展示墙上的照片；我就不能在电视机前有一个休息的空间供大家聚在一起，看我们喜爱的电视节目；我就不会有一个可以来回摇摆、缓和情绪的地方来减少发着烧的孩子身体的不适，也不会有一个舒适的地方让我在晚上放松疲惫的筋骨。我也许从来没有表达过谢意，但我真的很感激你们对这个家所作的可贵而独特的贡献。
你谦恭的
卡罗尔
又：对了，地毯，因为你为所有的家具提供了一个落脚的地方，不用担心，我意识到你自己也承受了不少，所以我会为你洒下另一罐清洁剂——那可是专门为你用的啊。
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few 26)regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my 27)blanket apology to all the household furnishings.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
亲爱的家具们：
我写这封信是为你们自从来到我们家后所经受的虐待道歉。你们当中的每一员当初被运到这个新家的时候，都天真无邪，可能还甚感荣幸。只有到后来你们意识到自己陷入何种境地时，你们才惊恐不安。但那个时候，一切都为时已晚了。
如今，沙发深处的缝隙传来痛苦的呻吟声，与它的弹簧一道抱怨孩子们在它上面乱蹦乱跳，不高兴时还一屁股跌坐在沙发垫上。在沙发垫的喘息声中，我听到含糊不清的诉苦，说的是沙发布料和填充料之间的空隙被汽水、牛奶，还有不少其他我和沙发都不愿言明的东西浸透，中间还塞满了被遗忘的玩具和企图在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇兹曾暗示说，在木制品表面撒下大量气味浓烈的雪茄烟灰有助于减少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污渍所造成的褪色现象。不过，在我们家，这种建议显得过于乐观，为此我编织了不少小垫子来盖住家具表面的损伤痕迹。
我们家厨房的椅子显然没有受此优待，它们被拖来拖去做代用垫脚凳，或者成为模仿超人“起飞” 的临时起跳台。我注意到，当它们要做的事情不仅仅局限于围着饭桌摆摆样子时，它们总要采取摇晃椅腿的方式进行无声抗议。
我有一张祖传的书桌，它从前曾相继在我奶奶和我父母的家里作装饰之用。不过，我觉得它可能并不喜欢自个儿如今的角色：有人刚把堆在它上面的玩意儿清除干净，它又开始成为一个新的容纳一切的临时杂物堆放处。我敢打赌，梳妆台的抽屉对我刚学步的儿子把它们当成临时阶梯爬上去，以拿到旁边大衣橱顶上的东西这种富有创意的做法并不乐意。我怀疑，大衣橱对孩子的这种作法也是不满的，只是我还没听到它抱怨。可能是因为它相传出自阿米什人之手，所以回避与我交流。
还有就是靠着饭厅的墙有一个印第安纳橱柜。当初我把它搬上卡车时，它并没有意识到它还要再迁居六次，并且经历一次火灾。在准备最后一次搬迁时，我觉得我看到橱柜上部神经质地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把摇椅名副其实地气得冒烟，因为小孩还没有学会自己上厕所而把尿撒在它身上。这可无助于它与我们的关系，因为我想它不会忘了曾有一只小狗错把它的椅腿当成了用来嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很怀念我父亲在我上中学时给我的书柜。可是，书架上常常堆得满满的书把可怜的它给毁了。如今它正与我们家一些过去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脱不了被虐待的厄运，即使是少数几件豪华家具也不能说自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次过对家里全体家具道个歉。
在说了这些后，我会尽量以一些迟到的呵护来弥补从前的过失。我会去买一些墨菲牌木家具专用清洁剂，再租一部带有家具装潢设备的地毯清洗机，这样我就可以替沙发和椅子们清除掉它们厌恶的一些东西，使他们感到在这个家里重获新生并充满活力。
我想，你们都不曾认识到你们对我的重要性！没有你们，我就没有一个放灯的平台以照亮房间，也就不能展示墙上的照片；我就不能在电视机前有一个休息的空间供大家聚在一起，看我们喜爱的电视节目；我就不会有一个可以来回摇摆、缓和情绪的地方来减少发着烧的孩子身体的不适，也不会有一个舒适的地方让我在晚上放松疲惫的筋骨。我也许从来没有表达过谢意，但我真的很感激你们对这个家所作的可贵而独特的贡献。
你谦恭的
卡罗尔
又：对了，地毯，因为你为所有的家具提供了一个落脚的地方，不用担心，我意识到你自己也承受了不少，所以我会为你洒下另一罐清洁剂——那可是专门为你用的啊。