论文部分内容阅读
本文拟以一篇学生习作为例,从词法、句法、遣词造句、篇章结构以及常见错误等方面全面分析英语写作的技巧,以达到提高语言输出的能力,写出漂亮地道的英语。
【习作呈现】
1The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago,I was deeply shocked by all what I saw. 2Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it, this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.
After that,I became one of the members of this school and found soon I was quite mistaken. 3I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students. To tell you the truth,I regretted my choice. I was puzzled. 4Why did the school force me to behave like a army man? After all,I was only a girl of 15 years old! It all seemed unfair.
How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. 5Today,I am still the same girl as before, but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years. 6Despite the graduation on the way,I have my school life full of school rules too,unchanged and strict. 7The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here. 8Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.
Thank you, my dear teachers!First, we are not only students but also soldiers because we have been trained to have a strong will and we have learned the way to struggle for life. Second,as a saying goes,“No pains, no gains.” 9The more we want, the more time we ought to devote. 10The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up, and how much more sensible,mature,and intelligent we have become.
Soon I’ll leave you, my dear mother. Please accept my best regards and wishes. 11At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which used to be thought of hardness. We your children will always be proud to have been brought up here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!
【段落分析】
段落一
修改意见(该部分只涉及原段落中出错的句子,表达是否地道不在该部分讨论,地道表达请参照本文末尾处的“地道语篇”。)
句1:The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago, I was deeply shocked by all what I saw:
错误①:句中reach为及物动词,后直接跟宾语,也可保留介词at,但须将reached改为arrived;
错误②: 表示“我所看见的”可用what I saw或all(that)I saw。
句2:Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it,this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.
错误:作状语的分词短语与句子主语之间构成逻辑上的动宾关系,表示被动,故须将现在分词comparing改为过去分词compared。
段落二
修改意见
句3:I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students.
错误表现: too much后常修饰不可数名词,也可作状语独立使用;much too后常接形容词或副词。故应将句中的too much改为much too。
不当表达:根据下文可知,应将句中的系动词were改为seemed,以体现老师及学校对学生的关心。
句4:Why did the school force me to behave like a army man?
错误表现: 应将句中的不定冠词a改为an。
段落三
修改意见
句5:Today,I am still the same girl as before,but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years.
错误表现:根据句中的时间状语“in the past three years”可知,宾语从句中的时态应为现在完成时,故应在occurred前加has。
句6:Despite the graduation on the way,I have my school life full of school rules too,unchanged and strict.
错误表现:使用介词短语on the way表示“要毕业了”常用 on the way to graduation,故可将置于句首的整个介词短语改为让步状语从句,即:Though I’m on the way to graduation,I have....
句7:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here.
错误表现:该句子意思表达含糊不清,句意应为:不同的是,我已经长大了,懂得了学校为什么要制订这些校规;而不是说我长大了,理解了这些校规。故全句应改为:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the reasons for the rules here.
句8:Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.
错误①:根据语境可知,全句应使用一般过去时,故obtain应改为obtained,can应改为could;
错误②:not until置于句首时,主句谓语动词应构成部分倒装,句子应改为:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.
段落四
修改意见
句9:The more we want, the more time we ought to devote.
错误①:根据句意,应将句中的time改为effort,表示“加倍努力”;
错误②:根据语境,后一分句描述的是一个尚未发生的动作,故可改为:..., the more effort we will need to devote.
句10:The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up,and how much more sensible,mature,and intelligent we have become.
错误表现:句中表语从句的谓语部分用词啰嗦,可改为:...my school life has made me much more sensible,mature,and intelligent.
段落五
修改意见
句11:At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which used to be thought of hardness.
不当表现:在当代英语的写作中已很少使用used to,可将其改为was once,改后的定语从句为:..., which was once thought of...;
错误表达:“把……当作……”可用think of...as...,regard/ treat...as...,应在句中hardness前加as。
【佳句示范】
1. 根据全文语篇,文中的代词应保持一致,建议从“我”的角度完成所有语意表达,故应以第一人称单数“I”为主。
2. 经过修改,第一段首句为:The moment I arrived at this school for the first time three years ago,I was deeply shocked by what I saw. 该句并无语法错误,但时间状语从句的连词“the moment(一……就……)”的使用告诉读者:学校的一切在我踏进校园的那一刻立即呈现在我眼前,这是不现实的,可将其改为“the day”,这样更符合逻辑和实际。
3. 第一段最后一句结构冗长,此处没有必要再使用定语从句,原因是上下文已清楚地表明了定语从句的意思,原句为:“..., this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.”故应删除where引导的定语从句 “where I would stay for further study”。
4. 经过修改,第三段第3句为:Today,I am still the same girl as before, but I have grown up and now understand what has occurred to me in the past three years. 此处使用occur表示“发生”之意欠妥。Usually we would not say that something “occurred to me”except in the sense that one remembers.For example,I might say“It just occurred to me that today is your birthday”. Things do“happen”to us as a normal part of living.
5. 经过修改,第三段最后一句话为:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.“obtain ”(获得、赢得)是一个非常正式的用词,意为to get sth.,especially by making an effort。 此处建议用experience(vt. 经历)取代obtain。
6. 第四段中用“for one thing,... for another,...”(首先,……其次,……)代替 “first,... second,...”,句子表达更为多样化,富有新意。
【地道语篇】
下文是在针对原段落中单词拼写、时态、词性及句法等错误更正的基础上,结合英语表达的习惯搭配、遣词造句、段落特点及篇章结构所作出的修正:
My School Life
The day I turned up in this school for the first time three years ago, I was deeply shocked by what I saw. Compared with the polluted surroundings, this school was so beautiful that I began to picture what it would be like to study here.
Shortly I was among the students of this school and became aware that I was quite mistaken. I had too many rules to follow and the teachers seemed much too severe on us students. To tell you the truth,I regretted my choice. I was puzzled:Why did I have to behave like an army man? After all,I was only a girl of 15 years old!It all seemed unfair.
How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. Today,I am still the same girl as before,but I have grown up and now understand what has happened to me in the past three years. Though I’m on the way to graduation,I still have my school life full of rules,unchanged and strict. What differs is that I have grown old enough to understand the reasons for the regulations here. Not until I experienced a lot could I fully understand my school and its rules.
Thank you,my dear teachers!For one thing,I’ve become not only a student with a strong will but also a soldier with a fierce determination. For another,as a saying goes,“No pains,no gains.”The more I expect to achieve,the more effort I will need to devote. The most important thing is that my school life has made me much more sensible,mature,and intelligent.
Soon now I’ll graduate,my dear mother. Please accept my fondest wishes. At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which was once thought of as hardness. I will always be proud of my stay here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!
编辑/梁宇清
【习作呈现】
1The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago,I was deeply shocked by all what I saw. 2Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it, this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.
After that,I became one of the members of this school and found soon I was quite mistaken. 3I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students. To tell you the truth,I regretted my choice. I was puzzled. 4Why did the school force me to behave like a army man? After all,I was only a girl of 15 years old! It all seemed unfair.
How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. 5Today,I am still the same girl as before, but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years. 6Despite the graduation on the way,I have my school life full of school rules too,unchanged and strict. 7The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here. 8Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.
Thank you, my dear teachers!First, we are not only students but also soldiers because we have been trained to have a strong will and we have learned the way to struggle for life. Second,as a saying goes,“No pains, no gains.” 9The more we want, the more time we ought to devote. 10The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up, and how much more sensible,mature,and intelligent we have become.
Soon I’ll leave you, my dear mother. Please accept my best regards and wishes. 11At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which used to be thought of hardness. We your children will always be proud to have been brought up here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!
【段落分析】
段落一
修改意见(该部分只涉及原段落中出错的句子,表达是否地道不在该部分讨论,地道表达请参照本文末尾处的“地道语篇”。)
句1:The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago, I was deeply shocked by all what I saw:
错误①:句中reach为及物动词,后直接跟宾语,也可保留介词at,但须将reached改为arrived;
错误②: 表示“我所看见的”可用what I saw或all(that)I saw。
句2:Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it,this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.
错误:作状语的分词短语与句子主语之间构成逻辑上的动宾关系,表示被动,故须将现在分词comparing改为过去分词compared。
段落二
修改意见
句3:I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students.
错误表现: too much后常修饰不可数名词,也可作状语独立使用;much too后常接形容词或副词。故应将句中的too much改为much too。
不当表达:根据下文可知,应将句中的系动词were改为seemed,以体现老师及学校对学生的关心。
句4:Why did the school force me to behave like a army man?
错误表现: 应将句中的不定冠词a改为an。
段落三
修改意见
句5:Today,I am still the same girl as before,but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years.
错误表现:根据句中的时间状语“in the past three years”可知,宾语从句中的时态应为现在完成时,故应在occurred前加has。
句6:Despite the graduation on the way,I have my school life full of school rules too,unchanged and strict.
错误表现:使用介词短语on the way表示“要毕业了”常用 on the way to graduation,故可将置于句首的整个介词短语改为让步状语从句,即:Though I’m on the way to graduation,I have....
句7:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here.
错误表现:该句子意思表达含糊不清,句意应为:不同的是,我已经长大了,懂得了学校为什么要制订这些校规;而不是说我长大了,理解了这些校规。故全句应改为:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the reasons for the rules here.
句8:Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.
错误①:根据语境可知,全句应使用一般过去时,故obtain应改为obtained,can应改为could;
错误②:not until置于句首时,主句谓语动词应构成部分倒装,句子应改为:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.
段落四
修改意见
句9:The more we want, the more time we ought to devote.
错误①:根据句意,应将句中的time改为effort,表示“加倍努力”;
错误②:根据语境,后一分句描述的是一个尚未发生的动作,故可改为:..., the more effort we will need to devote.
句10:The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up,and how much more sensible,mature,and intelligent we have become.
错误表现:句中表语从句的谓语部分用词啰嗦,可改为:...my school life has made me much more sensible,mature,and intelligent.
段落五
修改意见
句11:At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which used to be thought of hardness.
不当表现:在当代英语的写作中已很少使用used to,可将其改为was once,改后的定语从句为:..., which was once thought of...;
错误表达:“把……当作……”可用think of...as...,regard/ treat...as...,应在句中hardness前加as。
【佳句示范】
1. 根据全文语篇,文中的代词应保持一致,建议从“我”的角度完成所有语意表达,故应以第一人称单数“I”为主。
2. 经过修改,第一段首句为:The moment I arrived at this school for the first time three years ago,I was deeply shocked by what I saw. 该句并无语法错误,但时间状语从句的连词“the moment(一……就……)”的使用告诉读者:学校的一切在我踏进校园的那一刻立即呈现在我眼前,这是不现实的,可将其改为“the day”,这样更符合逻辑和实际。
3. 第一段最后一句结构冗长,此处没有必要再使用定语从句,原因是上下文已清楚地表明了定语从句的意思,原句为:“..., this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.”故应删除where引导的定语从句 “where I would stay for further study”。
4. 经过修改,第三段第3句为:Today,I am still the same girl as before, but I have grown up and now understand what has occurred to me in the past three years. 此处使用occur表示“发生”之意欠妥。Usually we would not say that something “occurred to me”except in the sense that one remembers.For example,I might say“It just occurred to me that today is your birthday”. Things do“happen”to us as a normal part of living.
5. 经过修改,第三段最后一句话为:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.“obtain ”(获得、赢得)是一个非常正式的用词,意为to get sth.,especially by making an effort。 此处建议用experience(vt. 经历)取代obtain。
6. 第四段中用“for one thing,... for another,...”(首先,……其次,……)代替 “first,... second,...”,句子表达更为多样化,富有新意。
【地道语篇】
下文是在针对原段落中单词拼写、时态、词性及句法等错误更正的基础上,结合英语表达的习惯搭配、遣词造句、段落特点及篇章结构所作出的修正:
My School Life
The day I turned up in this school for the first time three years ago, I was deeply shocked by what I saw. Compared with the polluted surroundings, this school was so beautiful that I began to picture what it would be like to study here.
Shortly I was among the students of this school and became aware that I was quite mistaken. I had too many rules to follow and the teachers seemed much too severe on us students. To tell you the truth,I regretted my choice. I was puzzled:Why did I have to behave like an army man? After all,I was only a girl of 15 years old!It all seemed unfair.
How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. Today,I am still the same girl as before,but I have grown up and now understand what has happened to me in the past three years. Though I’m on the way to graduation,I still have my school life full of rules,unchanged and strict. What differs is that I have grown old enough to understand the reasons for the regulations here. Not until I experienced a lot could I fully understand my school and its rules.
Thank you,my dear teachers!For one thing,I’ve become not only a student with a strong will but also a soldier with a fierce determination. For another,as a saying goes,“No pains,no gains.”The more I expect to achieve,the more effort I will need to devote. The most important thing is that my school life has made me much more sensible,mature,and intelligent.
Soon now I’ll graduate,my dear mother. Please accept my fondest wishes. At the very moment I leave you,I find that I should appreciate your kindness,which was once thought of as hardness. I will always be proud of my stay here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!
编辑/梁宇清