望天上云卷云舒

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  I’ve never been an athlete. I’ve never been much interested in sports, ever since I stopped playing 1)touch-football with the boys, when I hit 2)puberty. I’ve tried tennis. I hit the ball too high, too long, and way over into 3)left field. I’ve tried softball. Thank goodness that ball is “soft” and big, because it felt just awful when it hit me in the eye. I tried running, but I couldn’t get anyone to chase me.
  
  I tried swimming, but even though I float like a 4)cork, and have had numerous lessons, I can’t seem to get over the idea, that I’m really going to drown. Finally, I settled on walking, and for a number of years, I walked 3 to 5 miles a day. I realize that there is an Olympic sport referred to as “walking,” but when I tried that, all I succeeded in doing was 5)throwing my hip out.
  
  I’m definitely NOT an athlete, but I make do, especially in my “mid-life” years, which brings a question to my mind. When did I hit mid-life? I remember when I hit thirty. I had to visit a grief counselor, because I knew my life was over. I remember forty. I had to see a grief counselor the day after my first child graduated from high-school and moved out of the house because I knew my life was over. I remember forty-four. For some reason I thought my life was over. Then I hit fifty and I was all excited because I was able to join an organization called 6)AARP. My husband was especially excited because he is younger than I, and he got to join, too!
  
  Fifty became the magic age. I knew that as long as I was in good health, 7)in this day and age, I probably had a good fifty years ahead of me. Then came the 8)asthma. OK, I had that much earlier, but it only became life threatening after fifty. Then came the9)fibromyalgia. OK, I had THAT earlier, but it’s not life threatening. Then came the arthritis, and, more recently, at fifty-five, came the 10)diabetes. Somewhere, along the way, I became very interested in 11)pharmaceuticals, and, finally, one day, I became free.
  
  I began by noticing the sunsets, and I had the time to stop and really wonder, at the beauty and the magnitude of it all. Then I moved onto the sunrises, and I quickly found out that if I wasted the early morning, I missed the loveliest part of the day. Then I began to notice how grateful I was to be able to witness the changing of the seasons. The first whisper of spring; the 12)rustling of the leaves beneath my feet, in the fall; that first breathless covering of a winter’s snow; and in the summer, all the flowers, and the buzzing of a 13)bumblebee.
  
  When illness would hit me, I found that I actually enjoyed the solitude. A time to reflect, gather my thoughts, and pray, at leisure. I found that I was “experiencing” this mid-life season, and I was no longer missing every moment, 14)shackled to the chains of worry, and what “might” be. I found that worrying about tomorrow, only served to make me overlook the blessings of today.
  
  It’s not always easy. A few loads of laundry, and a pile of dishes can take an entire day; but then I don’t push myself a lot. So, I forget to make the bed, as I watch the rosy glow of dawn meet the rising sun. I have time to walk our little, wooded acre with my little 15)dachshund 16)straining at the 17)leash. I get to read the “signs,” with my Happy Dog, sniff the air, and gaze out at nowhere, studying the sky, with the same intensity that my little dog studies the ground.
  
  I get to meet the day, every day. I get to say “good-night,” to the sunsets. I’ve studied a lot of sunsets, in the last five years, and I’ve never seen two that were alike. And I’ve gotten to make my mind up, about the mysteries of life; and I have grown certain, that all this was no accident.
  
  I feed the birds, and I take great delight in their multicolored 18)hues, especially in the spring. I drag a chair to stand on, so that I can fill the feeders to the brim, myself. I say a little prayer, as I 19)wobble, a little 20)cock-eyed on the chair, and I laugh, at myself, and all the pretensions of my younger life. I take great delight in my life. I thank God for all the precious little things of every day. Friends. Family. Neighbors. And health. A health of the soul. For I have come to understand what real health is, and when you have REAL health, then you truly have everything.
  
  我从来不是什么运动员料子。到了青春期,我不再和男孩们玩触身式橄榄球,之后,我一直对运动没多大兴趣。我试过打网球,球打得太高太远,飞到了左外场。我试过打垒球,幸亏那球又“软”又大,我眼睛给它打中,也就是感觉糟糕倒霉而已。我试过跑步,但总不会有人在后面追赶我。
  
  我试过游泳,但尽管我可以像软木塞一样漂浮,还上过无数堂游泳课,我还是无法克服这么一种想法——我真的会被淹死。最后,我安下心来走路。好几年来,我每天都走3-5英里路(约4.8-8公里)。我了解到奥林匹克运动会有个竞技项目就是被人称作“走路”的,但当我尝试参加时,只落了个盆骨错位的下场。
  
  我绝对没有运动员的体魄,但我将就着熬过来了,特别是“中年”那段日子,说起来,引出一个问题——我是什么时候步入中年的呢?我记得30岁时,我得去看哀伤心理治疗师,因为那时我知道自己的人生完了;我记得40岁时,我第一个孩子高中毕业后搬出家住的那天,我又得去看哀伤心理治疗师,因为那时我知道自己的人生完了;我记得44岁时,因为某个原因,我以为自己的人生完了;接着,我满了50岁,因为能加入一个叫“美国退休人员协会”的组织而兴奋不已。我丈夫也特别兴奋,因为他比我年轻,也能加入这个组织!
  
  50岁成了一个充满魔力的年龄。那时我知道,当今,只要我保持健康的体魄,我就很可能还会健康地活多50年。接着我得了哮喘。好吧,其实我早些时候就有这病,只是在我50岁后它才变得危及生命。后来我又患了纤维肌痛症。行,那个病也是早些时候就得了的,但并不危及生命。接而又患了关节炎。最近,我55岁,患上了糖尿病。这患病的一路上,我开始对医药品很感兴趣。最后,某天,我自由了。
  
  一切从我留意到日落那时开始,我能有时间停下来,真正对那日落美景,对那份壮丽感到惊叹。然后我开始留意日出,很快就发现如果我浪费了清晨这段时间,我就会错过一天中最美的那段时刻。接着我开始留意到,能目睹四季的变化,心中满怀感激。春天的第一声轻柔细语;秋天,脚下落叶发出的沙沙声;冬天第一场大雪把大地覆盖得严严实实;夏天,各色花朵和大黄蜂的嗡嗡声。
  
  被病痛折磨时,我发现自己其实很享受那刻的孤独。那是一段让人闲下来反省、整理思绪、祈祷的时光。我发现我正在“体验”这段人生中年岁月,而且,我不再错过每一个时刻,不再被一连串的担忧和“可能”发生的事情所束缚。我发现担忧明天只会使我忽视今天获得的幸福。
  
  这并非总那么容易。几堆要洗的衣服和碟子可以耗掉一整天的时间,但那以后我不再那么强迫自己了。于是,早上当我看着玫瑰色的晨光迎来旭日初升时,我就忘了整理床铺。我有时间带上我那只小达克斯猎狗在我们附近那片小树林里漫步,小狗直往前奔,狗绳被它扯得紧绷绷的。我学会了“观天察地”,和我的快乐小狗一起呼吸空气,漫无目的地凝视,观察天空,像我家小狗研究地面时那么专心。
  
  我学会了迎接崭新的每一天。我学会了对日落说“晚安”。在过去的5年里,我观察了无数次日落,从未见过有哪两次日落是一模一样的。我还参透了生命的奥秘。我开始确信,所有的一切都是冥冥中注定的。
  
  我喂养鸟儿,看着它们那七彩的羽毛,我感到相当欣喜,尤其是在春天。我拖了张椅子站上去,那样我就能亲自往进料器倒满饲料。站在椅子上的我左右摇晃着,我会祈祷几句,然后大笑,笑自己,也笑自己年轻时的种种做作的行为。我对于自己的人生感到欣喜。我感谢上帝在每一天里赐予我的所有珍贵的小宝物——朋友、家人、邻居、健康的体魄和心灵。因为我已经明白到真正的健康指的是什么。而当你拥有了真正的健康,你才真的拥有了一切。
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