Jokes and Humour

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  1. I Missed Again
  David joined the army when he was eighteen. And for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except for shooting. One day he and his friends were practising their shooting and all of them did well except David. At last the officer said, “David! You are quite hopeless! Do not waste your bullets. Go behind that wall and shoot yourself.”
  David felt ashamed. He went behind the wall and a few minutes later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
  “Heavens!” the officer said. “Has that silly man really shot himself?”
  He ran behind the wall anxiously. But David was all right. “I’m sorry, sir,” he said, “but I missed again.”
  又没打中
  大卫十八岁时入伍。为成为一名优秀的士兵,他接受了好几个月的训练。他其它项目的成绩都很好,就是射击水平太差。一天,他和他的朋友们正在练射击,除大卫外,其他人练得都不错。最后,教官说道:“大卫!你没救了!别再浪费子弹了,到墙后去朝自己开一枪吧!”
  大卫非常惭愧。他走到墙后,几分钟之后,教官和其他年轻士兵听到了一声枪响。
  “天哪!”教官说道:“难道那傻瓜真的自杀了吗?”
  他匆匆忙忙跑到了墙后。大卫一点儿事也没有。“我很惭愧,长官,”他说道,“我又没打中。”
  
  2. On a Bus
  There were many people on the bus and no vacant seats. When a young man got on the bus, an old lady near him attempted to rise, but the young man forced her back into her seat.
  “Thank you,” he said, “but please don’t do that. I am perfectly able to stand.”
  “But, young man, let me...,” said the old lady.
  “I ask you to keep your seat,” interrupted the young man with a hand on her shoulder.
  But the old lady tried to rise, saying, “Young man, will you permit me to...”
  “No, no,” said the young man, and then he forced her back again.
  At last the old lady managed to get up and said to the young man, “Young man, you carried me three stops beyond my house. I wanted to get off just now.”
  在公共汽车上
  公共汽车上挤满了乘客,没有一个座位。一个青年上车后,坐在他身边的一位老太太想站起来,他忙把老人按回座位上。
  “谢谢您了。”他说,“不过,您不必给我让座,我站着就很好。”
  “可是,年轻人,让我……”老人说道。
  “您坐着甭动。”青年把手按在老人肩上,打断了老人的话。
  老太太又想站起来,说道:“年轻人,请允许我……”
  “不,不。”这位青年说着,又一次把老人按了下去。
  最后,老太太总算站了起来,对年轻人说道:“小伙子,你让我坐过了三站。我刚才是要下车的。”
  
  3. Buying Bread
  Tommy: (Laying down two pence) A loaf of bread, please.
  Baker: It’s three pence now, boy, bread’s price rises.
  Tommy: When?
  Baker: This morning.
  Tommy: All right, master, give me one of yesterday’s.
  买面包
  汤米:(放下两个便士)请给我拿一个面包。
  面包师:孩子,现在面包涨价了,三便士一个。
  烫米:什么时候涨的价?
  面包师:今天早晨。
  汤米:那好吧,老板,给我一个昨天的面包。
  
  4. Where Do You Have Trouble?
  Schoolboy: Excuse me, Miss. I’m calling just to tell you I can’t go to school today.
  Teacher: Why? What’s wrong?
  Schoolboy: I don’t feel well.
  Teacher: Where do you have trouble?
  Schoolboy: In the classroom.
  你哪里不舒服?
  男学生:对不起,老师。我打电话是要告诉您我今天不能上学了。
  老师:为什么?你怎么了?
  男学生:我不舒服。
  老师:你哪里不舒服?
  男学生:在教室里。
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