爱你在心口难开

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  本文作者是来自澳大利亚,热爱写作的小伙子Mitch——CR的小编之一。细心的读者会发现,CR每期的“卷首语”都是由他亲自撰写的。关于本期主题“秘·觅”,小编特邀Mitch写了这篇情真意切的美文。“世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死,而是我就站在你的面前,你却不知道我爱你”,把爱留在心底,有时也不是一件坏事。让我们一同欣赏这篇美文,体会爱的“百转千回”。
  ——Mac
  
  Dear Elizabeth,
  
  My heart aches to hold you and whisper in your ear. I burn to let you see the power of my passion. Yes, there are so many yearnings I long to tell you. I can onlyhope this letter abundantly expresses all of my love.
  
  I first saw you while riding my bicycle through Waltzing 1)Meadow, though you never saw me that day. You swam in the river with your sisters as I stood watching from a distance on the water’s edge. The truth is, I’ve always been utterly terrified of water, but seeing the joy on your face as you plunged and splashed gave me the2)guts to dip my feet in. In that moment, with that smile, you became The One for me. And it was that same uncontrollably warm smile that would later give me the encouragement I needed at various other stages throughout my life.
  
  When you announced that you would marry my brother, my heart3)liquefied. I sat through the engagement party like a sailor tossed from his boat. Drowning. 4)Gasping for air. You knew something was wrong. You pulled me aside, flashed a grin and told me I should go and explore the world. And I did. Cairo. Paris. 5)Timbuktu. All for you.
  
  I know I missed the wedding, but Thomas sent me photos. When I speak with him on the telephone, he tells me of his love for you, and how proud he is to be the father of your children. As I listen to him, I take out the photograph of you in your wedding dress and imagine being the one to walk you down the 6)aisle. Then I shake my head, and return the photo to my wallet.
  
  Oh, if only I could bring myself to send this letter. But I know, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, that I will never have such courage. Besides, who I am to spoil a beautiful picture? Some things are better left secret.
  
  With all my love,
  Roman
  
  亲爱的伊丽莎白:
  
  拥抱你,在你耳边细诉衷肠,我的心隐隐作痛。我焦急地盼望你能看见我强大的爱。是的,我有那么多的渴望想告诉你。而我只能期望这封信能充分表达我所有的爱。
  
  我第一次看见你是在我骑车穿过华尔兹牧场的时候,尽管那天你都没有看见我。你和你的姐妹们在河里游泳,而我站在河边远远看着你。事实上,我一直都很怕水,但看见你跳进河里溅起水花时脸上浮现的欢乐,这让我提起勇气把脚伸进水里。那一刻,看着你的笑容,我认定命中的“唯一”就是你。后来,也是那同一个难以自抑的温暖笑容给了我在我人生余下的各个阶段里所需的鼓励。
  
  当你宣布要和我弟弟结婚时,我的心碎了。我全程坐在订婚宴现场,仿佛一个被从自己船里抛下水的水手,往下沉溺,挣扎着透气。你察觉到我有点不对劲,把我拉到一旁,咧嘴而笑,对我说我应该离开那里,去探索世界。我的确这样做了。开罗、巴黎、廷巴克图,都是为了你。
  
  我知道我错过了婚礼,但托马斯给我寄了照片。和他聊电话时,他向我倾诉了对你的爱,说他为能成为你孩子的父亲而感到多么自豪。听着他说,我拿出了你穿着婚纱拍的照片,想象着自己是那个牵着你走过红地毯的人。接着,我摇摇头,把相片放回了我的钱包。
  
  噢,如果我能鼓起勇气寄出这封信就好了。但我知道,就像确定太阳明天会升起一般,我确定自己决不会有这般勇气这样做。另外,我算什么呢,怎能毁了一幅美景?有些事保持沉默会更好。
  
   全心全意地爱着你的,
   罗曼
  
  Dear Roman,
  
  My life 7)unraveled perfectly: a marriage of fifty years, a husband who adores me, seven beautiful children. But still, there are times when I think of you.
  
  I never told you this, but I saw you watching me all those years ago, down by the river; though I pretended I couldn’t see you, of course. It 8)gave me butterflies to know you were watching. I couldn’t stop smiling. My sisters teased me for months about being in love with “The Boy from Waltzing Meadow”.
  
  When we first officially met in college, I tried like crazy to 9)win you over. But every time I smiled at you, you seemed uncomfortable. I guess that is what brought me to Thomas. When you introduced us, he returned the smile and I decided to give up on you. But I needed to be sure before I got married. I remember at my engagement party I told you traveling might help pull you 10)out of the rut you were in. You have no idea how utterly desperate I was for you to tell me you could never leave me, and to 11)whisk me off my feet so we could sail into the sunset. That wasn’t meant to be.
  
  Of course I love my husband and my children. But there is always that part of me that wonders what could have been, if only you had loved me too. Yet I have everything I could ever want, so I have no right to say these things to you. I have lived my life, and lived it well. You went on and had a family of your own, also.
  
  So, now my secrets mean nothing. All we have is silence.
  
  Oh, how I wish you were alive to read these words. But maybe the passion of a fantasy is stronger than what ever could have been.
  
  Eternally yours,
  Elizabeth
  
  
  亲爱的罗曼:
  
  我的人生各方面都很完美:一段50年的金婚,一个视我为至爱的丈夫,七个美丽的孩子。但有些时候,对你的思念会向我袭来。
  
  我从未告诉过你,那些年以前,在河边,我看见你看着我,尽管我当然得假装没看见你。知道你在看着我,我心如鹿撞。我无法停止微笑。我的姐妹们好几个月都笑我爱着那个“华尔兹牧场的男孩”。
  
  当我们正式在大学里相识后,我疯狂地努力想要赢得你的心。但每次我对你微笑,你似乎都不自在。我想那就是把我带到托马斯身边的原因。当你介绍我俩互相认识时,他也对我报以微笑,所以我决定放弃你。但在我结婚以前,我需要确定一些事。我记得在我的订婚宴上,我告诉你,也许旅行可以帮你脱离惯常的生活轨道。你不知道我有多渴望你告诉我,你永远都不会离开我,然后带我走,与我相爱到老。但事情并非如此。
  
  当然,我爱我的丈夫和孩子,但我的内心有时候总想知道如果你也爱我,一切会怎样。然而,我拥有着我过去想要的一切,所以我没有权利对你说这些。我过着我的生活,并且过得好好的。你也过着你的生活,拥有一个属于你自己的家庭。
  
  所以,我的秘密没有任何意义。我们有的只是沉默。
  
  噢,我多希望你尚在人世之时能够读到这些只言片语啊。但也许幻想中的激情比真实的来得更强烈。
  
   永远都属于你的,
  伊丽莎白
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