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I was on my run the other day and stopped at the park to get some water. While there I sat on a bench and drank my water, I closed my eyes and listened. The happiest sounds in the world are listening to kids as they play: their little voices, screams, and bargaining with their parents for more time to play. Also, what I heard were a lot of“Mommy, was that good?” or “Daddy, see me?”“Did you see that throw?” Mommy and Daddy both responded, affirming the good job or the throw their child had naturally thrown. You don’t have to go to the park to hear all of these praises.
Sometimes, you have to question if it has gone too far? Are the parents now raising a generation of kids who expect praise for doing nothing? Have you ever told a kid “I’m so proud of you. Great job!” and gotten nothing more than a bored stare in response? What’s up with that? Isn’t praise supposed to boost1 confidence and make kids happy? Aren’t we always told to praise often? Nearly every successful grown-up—actresses, surgeons, and teachers alike—can tell you a heartwarming story about the time a teacher gave them the compliment that lifted them up.2
前几天，我出来跑步，在公园停下来喝点儿水。当我坐在那里的一条长椅上饮水时，我闭上双眼倾听。这个世界上最快乐的声音莫过于孩子们玩耍时发出的声响：他们细细的说话声、尖叫声以及跟父母讨价还价地要争取更多玩耍时间的声音。而且，我还听到很多这样的问话：“妈咪，那样好吗？”或是“爹地，快看我呀？”“你看到那个投掷了吗？”妈咪和爹地此时都会做出回应，对自己孩子的出色表现或是他们自然而然的投掷动作给予肯定。其实你不必非得去公园才能听到所有这些赞扬的话语。
有时，你不得不质疑是不是赞扬得有些过头了呢？父母们如今是否在养育一代什么都不做而只期盼赞扬的孩子呢？你是否曾经对一个孩子说“我为你感到很骄傲。做得真棒！”却仅仅换来对方厌烦的瞪视？到底出什么问题了？难道赞扬不应该是提升自信和使孩子快乐的手段吗？我们一直以来不是都被告知要经常赞扬别人吗？几乎每个成功人士——像演员、外科医生和教师——都能告诉你一个温馨感人的故事：在老师赞美他们的那一刻，他们受到了怎样的鼓舞。
The over-praise is cultural and society influenced. It wasn’t done as much when I was a kid, or if it was, I don’t remember it happening in my family. Eastern cultures believe too much praise causes kids to grow up to be self-serving lazy adults with big egos.3 They may have some points there.
Is praise bad for kids then? Not really… if it’s done appropriately. For example, research has shown that praising a small toddler4 for having good manners actually does produce more polite teens. But there’s good praise, and there’s bad praise. “Praising well is a subtle art,” says the author of Talking to Tweens5. “How you phrase it can make a huge difference in whether a child feels encouraged by your comments or, despite your good intentions, becomes anxious or even angry.6”
Praise shouldn’t be limited to compliments on a job well done. One of the purposes of praise is to make children feel noticed and accepted unconditionally. Sometimes a simple “You have a great imagination,” or even, “I notice that you really like tennis,” can do wonders toward making kids feel appreciated. So do get specific.
过度赞扬受文化和社会的影响。当我还是孩子时，并没有太多赞扬的事发生，即使有的话，我也不记得曾发生在我的家庭里。东方文化认为太多的赞扬会导致孩子成长为自私懒惰的人，且自负无比。这或许有一定的道理。
那么，赞扬对孩子有害吗？如果恰当地使用，其实也不尽然。比如，研究已表明，赞扬幼童有礼貌确实可以培养出举止更为得体的青少年。但有好的赞扬，也有坏的赞扬。“恰到好处地赞扬是一门微妙的艺术，”《与儿童交谈》的作者如是说，“如何措辞赞扬的语言可以造成很大的不同：它会让一个孩子感到被你的评论所鼓励，抑或因此变得焦虑甚至愤怒，尽管你是出于好意。”
赞扬不应被局限在只是称赞“做得好”上。赞扬的目的之一便是让孩子能够感到被关注和被无条件地接纳。有时，一句简单的“你的想象力非常丰富”或者甚至是“我注意到你真地很喜欢网球”这样的话，都可以达到奇效，让孩子们有一种被赏识的感觉。因而表扬要具体。
In short, “Good job!” doesn’t reassure7 children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more.8 Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat9 them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK.
Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice.10 And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task—and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.11
简而言之，“做得好！”并不能安慰孩子；最终，它会让他们感到更加不安。它甚至会制造出一种恶性循环：我们越是大肆赞扬，孩子们似乎就越是需要它，于是我们便赞扬得更多；遗憾的是，其中有些孩子会成长为这样一类成年人：他们继续需要别人轻拍自己的头以示赞赏，并告诉他们是否做得好。
佛罗里达大学的研究人员玛丽·巴德·罗发现，被老师“慷慨”赞扬的学生会表现得更加犹豫，他们更倾向于以一种询问的语调来回答问题。而且他们更不可能会在艰难的任务中坚持下来，或是跟其他学生分享他们的想法。研究人员们还不断地发现，那些出色完成一项独创任务而被赞扬的孩子易于在下次任务中出错，而且他们也不如那些开始就没得到表扬的孩子做得好。
If a parent or teacher praises kids insincerely, they may think the adult is trying to manipulate them. Kids naturally will begin building their own internal confidence if they face a challenge and work well with it. Constantly telling them how great they are makes them take less risks and less likely to try the very challenges that will help build their self-esteem.
Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to “keep up the good work”. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks—once they start thinking about how to keep those positive12 comments coming. It’s like crack13 for kids: Once they get, they need it, and they want more. And the real world doesn’t praise them for getting dressed in the morning.
But this doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you, all expressions of delight are harmful. People who don’t receive or give themselves pats on the back are much less likely to give praise to others. Learning to praise ourselves will act as a boost and help us to be positive and encouraging. Praise is powerful… use it wisely.
如果一个家长或老师不真诚地赞扬孩子，他们或许会认为这个成年人在试图操纵自己。孩子们在面对挑战时会自然而然地开始树立起他们自己内心的自信，并能很好地应对它。而不断地告诉他们有多出色只能让他们不愿去冒更多的风险，更不愿去尝试那些能帮他们建立起自尊心的挑战。
为什么会发生这种情况呢？部分是因为赞扬会制造一种“要继续做得出色”的压力。部分原因是他们对自己所做之事的兴趣也许已经减退。还有一部分原因是一旦他们开始想着如何继续得到那些积极的评价，就更不愿去冒险了。对孩子们来说，赞扬如同毒品一样：一旦他们得到了，就会需要它，而且想要得更多。而现实世界可不会因为他们早上穿戴整齐而对他们赞美有加。
但这并不意味着所有的称赞、所有的感谢和所有愉悦的言辞都是有害的。不去接受和不赞赏自己的人更不可能给予他人赞扬。而学会赞扬自己可以促进和帮助我们怀有积极的态度以及鼓舞人心的力量。赞扬是强大有效的……但要明智地驾驭它。
单词卡片
1. boost: 推动，促进，激励。
2. heartwarming: 感人的，温馨compliment: 赞美，赞赏；lift: 受到鼓舞，感到高兴。
3. self-serving: 利己的，自私 ego: 〈口〉自负，任性。
4. toddler: 学步的儿童（通常指一至两岁半的孩子）。
5. tween: 又作tweenager，（十一二岁的）儿童。
6. comment: 评论，意intention: 意图，意向。
7. reassure: 使放心。
8. vicious circle: （疾病等的）恶性循 slather: 〈美口〉大量地花费，挥霍。
9. pat: 轻拍……以示赞赏（或安慰、爱抚等）。
10. lavishly: 过度大方地，慷慨给予tentative: 迟疑不决的，犹豫的；apt to: 易于……，倾向于……。
11. stumble: 犯错误，出岔子；to begin with:首先，第一。
12. positive: 表示赞成的，积极的，建设性的。
13. crack: 〈美俚〉精纯可卡因。
Sometimes, you have to question if it has gone too far? Are the parents now raising a generation of kids who expect praise for doing nothing? Have you ever told a kid “I’m so proud of you. Great job!” and gotten nothing more than a bored stare in response? What’s up with that? Isn’t praise supposed to boost1 confidence and make kids happy? Aren’t we always told to praise often? Nearly every successful grown-up—actresses, surgeons, and teachers alike—can tell you a heartwarming story about the time a teacher gave them the compliment that lifted them up.2
前几天，我出来跑步，在公园停下来喝点儿水。当我坐在那里的一条长椅上饮水时，我闭上双眼倾听。这个世界上最快乐的声音莫过于孩子们玩耍时发出的声响：他们细细的说话声、尖叫声以及跟父母讨价还价地要争取更多玩耍时间的声音。而且，我还听到很多这样的问话：“妈咪，那样好吗？”或是“爹地，快看我呀？”“你看到那个投掷了吗？”妈咪和爹地此时都会做出回应，对自己孩子的出色表现或是他们自然而然的投掷动作给予肯定。其实你不必非得去公园才能听到所有这些赞扬的话语。
有时，你不得不质疑是不是赞扬得有些过头了呢？父母们如今是否在养育一代什么都不做而只期盼赞扬的孩子呢？你是否曾经对一个孩子说“我为你感到很骄傲。做得真棒！”却仅仅换来对方厌烦的瞪视？到底出什么问题了？难道赞扬不应该是提升自信和使孩子快乐的手段吗？我们一直以来不是都被告知要经常赞扬别人吗？几乎每个成功人士——像演员、外科医生和教师——都能告诉你一个温馨感人的故事：在老师赞美他们的那一刻，他们受到了怎样的鼓舞。
The over-praise is cultural and society influenced. It wasn’t done as much when I was a kid, or if it was, I don’t remember it happening in my family. Eastern cultures believe too much praise causes kids to grow up to be self-serving lazy adults with big egos.3 They may have some points there.
Is praise bad for kids then? Not really… if it’s done appropriately. For example, research has shown that praising a small toddler4 for having good manners actually does produce more polite teens. But there’s good praise, and there’s bad praise. “Praising well is a subtle art,” says the author of Talking to Tweens5. “How you phrase it can make a huge difference in whether a child feels encouraged by your comments or, despite your good intentions, becomes anxious or even angry.6”
Praise shouldn’t be limited to compliments on a job well done. One of the purposes of praise is to make children feel noticed and accepted unconditionally. Sometimes a simple “You have a great imagination,” or even, “I notice that you really like tennis,” can do wonders toward making kids feel appreciated. So do get specific.
过度赞扬受文化和社会的影响。当我还是孩子时，并没有太多赞扬的事发生，即使有的话，我也不记得曾发生在我的家庭里。东方文化认为太多的赞扬会导致孩子成长为自私懒惰的人，且自负无比。这或许有一定的道理。
那么，赞扬对孩子有害吗？如果恰当地使用，其实也不尽然。比如，研究已表明，赞扬幼童有礼貌确实可以培养出举止更为得体的青少年。但有好的赞扬，也有坏的赞扬。“恰到好处地赞扬是一门微妙的艺术，”《与儿童交谈》的作者如是说，“如何措辞赞扬的语言可以造成很大的不同：它会让一个孩子感到被你的评论所鼓励，抑或因此变得焦虑甚至愤怒，尽管你是出于好意。”
赞扬不应被局限在只是称赞“做得好”上。赞扬的目的之一便是让孩子能够感到被关注和被无条件地接纳。有时，一句简单的“你的想象力非常丰富”或者甚至是“我注意到你真地很喜欢网球”这样的话，都可以达到奇效，让孩子们有一种被赏识的感觉。因而表扬要具体。
In short, “Good job!” doesn’t reassure7 children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more.8 Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat9 them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK.
Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice.10 And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task—and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.11
简而言之，“做得好！”并不能安慰孩子；最终，它会让他们感到更加不安。它甚至会制造出一种恶性循环：我们越是大肆赞扬，孩子们似乎就越是需要它，于是我们便赞扬得更多；遗憾的是，其中有些孩子会成长为这样一类成年人：他们继续需要别人轻拍自己的头以示赞赏，并告诉他们是否做得好。
佛罗里达大学的研究人员玛丽·巴德·罗发现，被老师“慷慨”赞扬的学生会表现得更加犹豫，他们更倾向于以一种询问的语调来回答问题。而且他们更不可能会在艰难的任务中坚持下来，或是跟其他学生分享他们的想法。研究人员们还不断地发现，那些出色完成一项独创任务而被赞扬的孩子易于在下次任务中出错，而且他们也不如那些开始就没得到表扬的孩子做得好。
If a parent or teacher praises kids insincerely, they may think the adult is trying to manipulate them. Kids naturally will begin building their own internal confidence if they face a challenge and work well with it. Constantly telling them how great they are makes them take less risks and less likely to try the very challenges that will help build their self-esteem.
Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to “keep up the good work”. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks—once they start thinking about how to keep those positive12 comments coming. It’s like crack13 for kids: Once they get, they need it, and they want more. And the real world doesn’t praise them for getting dressed in the morning.
But this doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you, all expressions of delight are harmful. People who don’t receive or give themselves pats on the back are much less likely to give praise to others. Learning to praise ourselves will act as a boost and help us to be positive and encouraging. Praise is powerful… use it wisely.
如果一个家长或老师不真诚地赞扬孩子，他们或许会认为这个成年人在试图操纵自己。孩子们在面对挑战时会自然而然地开始树立起他们自己内心的自信，并能很好地应对它。而不断地告诉他们有多出色只能让他们不愿去冒更多的风险，更不愿去尝试那些能帮他们建立起自尊心的挑战。
为什么会发生这种情况呢？部分是因为赞扬会制造一种“要继续做得出色”的压力。部分原因是他们对自己所做之事的兴趣也许已经减退。还有一部分原因是一旦他们开始想着如何继续得到那些积极的评价，就更不愿去冒险了。对孩子们来说，赞扬如同毒品一样：一旦他们得到了，就会需要它，而且想要得更多。而现实世界可不会因为他们早上穿戴整齐而对他们赞美有加。
但这并不意味着所有的称赞、所有的感谢和所有愉悦的言辞都是有害的。不去接受和不赞赏自己的人更不可能给予他人赞扬。而学会赞扬自己可以促进和帮助我们怀有积极的态度以及鼓舞人心的力量。赞扬是强大有效的……但要明智地驾驭它。
单词卡片
1. boost: 推动，促进，激励。
2. heartwarming: 感人的，温馨compliment: 赞美，赞赏；lift: 受到鼓舞，感到高兴。
3. self-serving: 利己的，自私 ego: 〈口〉自负，任性。
4. toddler: 学步的儿童（通常指一至两岁半的孩子）。
5. tween: 又作tweenager，（十一二岁的）儿童。
6. comment: 评论，意intention: 意图，意向。
7. reassure: 使放心。
8. vicious circle: （疾病等的）恶性循 slather: 〈美口〉大量地花费，挥霍。
9. pat: 轻拍……以示赞赏（或安慰、爱抚等）。
10. lavishly: 过度大方地，慷慨给予tentative: 迟疑不决的，犹豫的；apt to: 易于……，倾向于……。
11. stumble: 犯错误，出岔子；to begin with:首先，第一。
12. positive: 表示赞成的，积极的，建设性的。
13. crack: 〈美俚〉精纯可卡因。