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急匆匆赶路的途中，车子突然抛锚了；停电了，想用手电筒照明可怎么拍它也不亮了；随身携带的钥匙转眼就“消失”得无影无踪……生活中，你是否也遇到过类似的“不凑巧”的事？你或许会抱怨：怎么会这么倒霉？不过，看了这篇文章，下次再遇到一些“不凑巧”的事，你也许可以笑着开解自己一番：呵呵，好家伙！原来，是它们在跟咱们对着干呢！咱们可得小心点，不能中了它们的“诡计”！^0^
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories—those that break down, those that get lost, and those that don’t work.
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately to defeat him, and the three major classifications are based on the method each object uses to achieve its purpose. As a general rule, any object capable of breaking down at the moment when it is most needed will do so. The automobile is typical of the category.
With the cunning peculiar to its breed, the automobile never breaks down while entering a 3)filling station which has a large staff of idle mechanics. It waits until it reaches a downtown intersection in the middle of the rush hour, or until it is fully loaded with family and luggage on the
4)Ohio 5)Turnpike. Thus it creates maximum inconvenience, frustration, and irritability, thereby reducing its owner’s lifespan.
Washing machines, garbage disposals, lawn mowers, furnaces, TV sets, tape recorders, 6)slide projectors—all are 7)in league with the automobile to take their turn at breaking down whenever life 8)threatens to flow smoothly for their enemies.
Many inanimate objects, of course, find it extremely difficult to break down.
9)Pliers,for example, and gloves and keys are almost totally incapable of breaking down. Therefore, they have had to evolve a different technique for resisting man.
They get lost. Science has still not solved the mystery of how they do it, and no man has ever caught one of them in the act. The most 10)plausible theory is that they have developed a secret method of locomotion which they are able to conceal from human eyes.
It is not uncommon for a pair of pliers to climb all the way from the cellar to the attic in its single-minded determination to raise its owner’s blood pressure. Keys have been known to burrow three feet under mattresses. Women’s purses, despite their great weight, frequently travel through six or seven rooms to find hiding space under a couch.
Scientists have been struck by the fact that things that break down virtually never get lost, while things that get lost hardly ever break down. A furnace, for example, will invariably break down at the depth of the first winter cold wave, but it will never get lost. A woman’s purse hardly ever breaks down; it almost invariably chooses to get lost.
Some persons believe this constitutes evidence that inanimate objects are not entirely hostile to man. After all, they point out, a furnace could infuriate a man even more thoroughly by getting lost than by breaking down, just as a glove could upset him far more by breaking down than by getting lost.
Not everyone agrees, however, that this indicates a 11)conciliatory attitude. Many say it merely proves that furnaces, gloves and pliers are incredibly stupid.
The third class of objects—those that don’t work—are the most curious of all. These include such objects as 12)barometers, car clocks, cigarette lighters, flashlights and toy-train locomotives. It is inaccurate, of course, to say that they never work. They work once, usually for the first few hours after being brought home, and then quit. Thereafter, they never work again.
In fact, it is widely assumed that they are built for the purpose of not working. Some people have reached advanced ages without ever seeing some of these objects—barometers, for example—13)in working order.
Science is utterly 14)baffled by the entire ca-tegory. There are many theories about it. The most interesting holds that the things that don’t work have attained the highest state possible for an inanimate object, the state to which things that break down and things that get lost can still only aspire.
They have truly defeated man by 15)conditioning him never to expect anything of them. When his cigarette lighter won’t light or his flashlight fails to illuminate, it does not raise his blood pressure. Objects that don’t work have given man the only peace he receives from inanimate society.
无生命物体在科学上主要被分为三类：发生故障的、自动消失的和不能运转的。
所有无生命物体的目标就是与人类对抗，并最终将其击败。它们正是按每一个物体在实现这个目标时使用的方法来分类的。一般规律是，任何能发生故障的物体总会在人类最需要它的时候出故障。这一类物体最典型的就是汽车。
汽车这种物体有一种狡猾的特性，那就是它从来不会在进入有一大帮无所事事的汽车修理工的加油站时出问题。它总是等到车在高峰期开到闹市区的十字路口时，或者当车子满载着一大家子和他们的行李在俄亥俄州收费公路上行驶时才发生故障。总之，它会最大程度地制造麻烦，令人沮丧、焦躁，从而缩短车主的寿命。
洗衣机、垃圾处理器、割草机、火炉、电视机、录音机、幻灯机——这些机器与汽车相勾结，都会在他们的敌人生活一帆风顺时轮流发生故障。
当然了，许多无生命物体要发生故障是很困难的，比如说钳子、手套和钥匙就几乎没有发生故障的能力。因此，它们不得不找出另一种对抗人类的方法。
它们会自动消失。科学至今尚不能解释它们如何做到这一点，也从来没有人当场抓到它们中的任何一个。最可信的说法似乎是，它们练就了一种人类肉眼看不见的秘密的移动本领。
由于一心要让主人的血压上升，一把钳子从地下室一直爬到阁楼的事并不罕见。众所周知，钥匙会钻到床垫下方三英尺（约91厘米）处。女人的手袋——尽管重不堪言——常常会穿越六七个房间，藏在沙发椅底下。
让科学家感到困惑的是发生故障的物体几乎从来不会消失，而会消失的物体则极少发生故障。比如说火炉吧，总是会在冬季第一股寒流的高峰期发生故障，但它却永远不会消失。女人的手袋很少会坏掉，但它几乎总会选择自动消失。
有人认为这证明无生命物体与人类并不是完全敌对的。他们指出，说到底，火炉不见了比它坏掉了更能把人激怒；同样地，手套坏掉了比它不见了更让人生气。
然而，并非人人同意这种现象是物体对人类的安抚。许多人说，这只能证明火炉、手套和钳子都非常愚蠢。
无生命物体的第三类——不运转类——是三类中最离奇古怪的。这些物体包括气压计、汽车钟、打火机、手电筒和玩具火车头。当然，说它们从来都不运转也不确切。它们通常会在买回家后的头几个小时里运转一次，然后就罢工了。再后来，它们就再也不运转了。
事实上，人们普遍认为，它们被制造出来就是为了不运转。有些人都已经是一把年纪了，但还是从来没见过这类物体的其中一些正常运转过，如气压计。
科学也完全被这类物体搞糊涂了。关于它们的说法有很多，最有趣的说法是认为不运转的物体已经达到了无生命物体可能达到的最高境界——那是发生故障和消失的那两类物体追求但不可企及的境界。
它们已经彻底把人类击败了，因为它们把人类训练得有了从不指望它们运转的心理。打火机打不着火，或者手电筒不亮，这已经不能让人的血压升高了。那些不运转的物体给予了人类来自无生命世界的唯一安宁。
注：“本文中所涉及到的图表、注解、公式等内容请以PDF格式阅读原文。”
急匆匆赶路的途中，车子突然抛锚了；停电了，想用手电筒照明可怎么拍它也不亮了；随身携带的钥匙转眼就“消失”得无影无踪……生活中，你是否也遇到过类似的“不凑巧”的事？你或许会抱怨：怎么会这么倒霉？不过，看了这篇文章，下次再遇到一些“不凑巧”的事，你也许可以笑着开解自己一番：呵呵，好家伙！原来，是它们在跟咱们对着干呢！咱们可得小心点，不能中了它们的“诡计”！^0^
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories—those that break down, those that get lost, and those that don’t work.
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately to defeat him, and the three major classifications are based on the method each object uses to achieve its purpose. As a general rule, any object capable of breaking down at the moment when it is most needed will do so. The automobile is typical of the category.
With the cunning peculiar to its breed, the automobile never breaks down while entering a 3)filling station which has a large staff of idle mechanics. It waits until it reaches a downtown intersection in the middle of the rush hour, or until it is fully loaded with family and luggage on the
4)Ohio 5)Turnpike. Thus it creates maximum inconvenience, frustration, and irritability, thereby reducing its owner’s lifespan.
Washing machines, garbage disposals, lawn mowers, furnaces, TV sets, tape recorders, 6)slide projectors—all are 7)in league with the automobile to take their turn at breaking down whenever life 8)threatens to flow smoothly for their enemies.
Many inanimate objects, of course, find it extremely difficult to break down.
9)Pliers,for example, and gloves and keys are almost totally incapable of breaking down. Therefore, they have had to evolve a different technique for resisting man.
They get lost. Science has still not solved the mystery of how they do it, and no man has ever caught one of them in the act. The most 10)plausible theory is that they have developed a secret method of locomotion which they are able to conceal from human eyes.
It is not uncommon for a pair of pliers to climb all the way from the cellar to the attic in its single-minded determination to raise its owner’s blood pressure. Keys have been known to burrow three feet under mattresses. Women’s purses, despite their great weight, frequently travel through six or seven rooms to find hiding space under a couch.
Scientists have been struck by the fact that things that break down virtually never get lost, while things that get lost hardly ever break down. A furnace, for example, will invariably break down at the depth of the first winter cold wave, but it will never get lost. A woman’s purse hardly ever breaks down; it almost invariably chooses to get lost.
Some persons believe this constitutes evidence that inanimate objects are not entirely hostile to man. After all, they point out, a furnace could infuriate a man even more thoroughly by getting lost than by breaking down, just as a glove could upset him far more by breaking down than by getting lost.
Not everyone agrees, however, that this indicates a 11)conciliatory attitude. Many say it merely proves that furnaces, gloves and pliers are incredibly stupid.
The third class of objects—those that don’t work—are the most curious of all. These include such objects as 12)barometers, car clocks, cigarette lighters, flashlights and toy-train locomotives. It is inaccurate, of course, to say that they never work. They work once, usually for the first few hours after being brought home, and then quit. Thereafter, they never work again.
In fact, it is widely assumed that they are built for the purpose of not working. Some people have reached advanced ages without ever seeing some of these objects—barometers, for example—13)in working order.
Science is utterly 14)baffled by the entire ca-tegory. There are many theories about it. The most interesting holds that the things that don’t work have attained the highest state possible for an inanimate object, the state to which things that break down and things that get lost can still only aspire.
They have truly defeated man by 15)conditioning him never to expect anything of them. When his cigarette lighter won’t light or his flashlight fails to illuminate, it does not raise his blood pressure. Objects that don’t work have given man the only peace he receives from inanimate society.
无生命物体在科学上主要被分为三类：发生故障的、自动消失的和不能运转的。
所有无生命物体的目标就是与人类对抗，并最终将其击败。它们正是按每一个物体在实现这个目标时使用的方法来分类的。一般规律是，任何能发生故障的物体总会在人类最需要它的时候出故障。这一类物体最典型的就是汽车。
汽车这种物体有一种狡猾的特性，那就是它从来不会在进入有一大帮无所事事的汽车修理工的加油站时出问题。它总是等到车在高峰期开到闹市区的十字路口时，或者当车子满载着一大家子和他们的行李在俄亥俄州收费公路上行驶时才发生故障。总之，它会最大程度地制造麻烦，令人沮丧、焦躁，从而缩短车主的寿命。
洗衣机、垃圾处理器、割草机、火炉、电视机、录音机、幻灯机——这些机器与汽车相勾结，都会在他们的敌人生活一帆风顺时轮流发生故障。
当然了，许多无生命物体要发生故障是很困难的，比如说钳子、手套和钥匙就几乎没有发生故障的能力。因此，它们不得不找出另一种对抗人类的方法。
它们会自动消失。科学至今尚不能解释它们如何做到这一点，也从来没有人当场抓到它们中的任何一个。最可信的说法似乎是，它们练就了一种人类肉眼看不见的秘密的移动本领。
由于一心要让主人的血压上升，一把钳子从地下室一直爬到阁楼的事并不罕见。众所周知，钥匙会钻到床垫下方三英尺（约91厘米）处。女人的手袋——尽管重不堪言——常常会穿越六七个房间，藏在沙发椅底下。
让科学家感到困惑的是发生故障的物体几乎从来不会消失，而会消失的物体则极少发生故障。比如说火炉吧，总是会在冬季第一股寒流的高峰期发生故障，但它却永远不会消失。女人的手袋很少会坏掉，但它几乎总会选择自动消失。
有人认为这证明无生命物体与人类并不是完全敌对的。他们指出，说到底，火炉不见了比它坏掉了更能把人激怒；同样地，手套坏掉了比它不见了更让人生气。
然而，并非人人同意这种现象是物体对人类的安抚。许多人说，这只能证明火炉、手套和钳子都非常愚蠢。
无生命物体的第三类——不运转类——是三类中最离奇古怪的。这些物体包括气压计、汽车钟、打火机、手电筒和玩具火车头。当然，说它们从来都不运转也不确切。它们通常会在买回家后的头几个小时里运转一次，然后就罢工了。再后来，它们就再也不运转了。
事实上，人们普遍认为，它们被制造出来就是为了不运转。有些人都已经是一把年纪了，但还是从来没见过这类物体的其中一些正常运转过，如气压计。
科学也完全被这类物体搞糊涂了。关于它们的说法有很多，最有趣的说法是认为不运转的物体已经达到了无生命物体可能达到的最高境界——那是发生故障和消失的那两类物体追求但不可企及的境界。
它们已经彻底把人类击败了，因为它们把人类训练得有了从不指望它们运转的心理。打火机打不着火，或者手电筒不亮，这已经不能让人的血压升高了。那些不运转的物体给予了人类来自无生命世界的唯一安宁。
注：“本文中所涉及到的图表、注解、公式等内容请以PDF格式阅读原文。”