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本文拟以一篇学生习作为例,从词法、句法、遣词造句、篇章结构以及常见错误等方面全面分析英语写作的技巧,以达到提高语言输出的能力,写出漂亮地道的英语。
●原文呈现●
July 24Sunny
An Unforgettable Day
I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music. I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I. When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. Though I spent an hour for the tickets, but I thought it was well worth doing. Getting the tickets, my heart felt great. I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.
It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. With time went on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. He began to play piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
When I arrived at my home after the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang have set a good example for me. I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.
I think I will succeed.
●段落分析●
段落一
1I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music. 2I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I. 3When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. 4Though I spent an hour for the tickets, but I thought it was well worth doing. 5Getting the tickets, my heart felt great. 6I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.
修改意见(该部分只涉及原段落中出错的句子,表达是否地道不在该部分讨论,地道表达请参照本文末尾处的“地道语篇”。)
句1 I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music.
错误①:英语中不能用逗号“,”连接两个在语意上完整的句子。故可在this前加并列连词and,也可将this改为关系代词which,构成由which引出的非限制性定语从句;
错误②:句中have须改为be,构成 “there be”结构。
错误③:受中文思维影响,将形容词fond误判为动词,故原因状语从句应改为...because I am fond of music.
句2 I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I.
错误①:主句和从句时态不一致,根据语境可知,应将can改为could。
错误②:“起床”可以表示为get up或rise。例:
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. (Prov.)
早睡早起,富裕聪明身体好。(谚语)
错误③:句末的 “I”在句中作介词for的宾语,应改为me。
句3 When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office.
正确表达:the entrance to the box office。
句4 Though I spent an hour for the tickets,but I thought it was well worth doing.
错误①:受中文“虽然……,但是……”影响,造成连词多余,英语中二者只用其一,通常情况下应去掉but,或删除though,保留but;类似用法有原因状语从句中的because和so。
错误②:句中for应改为on,与spend构成搭配。
错误③:根据句意,worth后的do为实义动词,表示“做”,故其后缺宾语。
句5 Getting the tickets,my heart felt great.
正确表达:置于句首的分词短语必须与句子的语法主语保持一致,否则写出的句子是荒唐的。例:
Reading the letter,her face turned red. (╳)
分析:
上句中,“读信”应是“她”发出的动作,而非“她的脸”发出,故可改为:
Reading the letter, she felt her face turn red. 或
When she read the letter, her face turned red.
原句中“getting the tickets”的动作发出者不是“my heart”,而是“I”,故原句可改为:Getting the tickets,I felt great. 或After I got the tickets,my heart felt great.
改后段落
Having been told the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre, I got extremely happy because I’m fond of music. In order to get some tickets, I got up early. To my surprise, I found lots of people waiting in line for tickets when I got to the box office. Though it took me an hour to wait, I thought it worthwhile to do so. When I called Jim telling him that the performances would be put on in the evening, he gladly agreed to come without delay.
段落二
1It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. 2With time went on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. 3He began to play piano after taking his seat. 4We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
修改意见
句1 It was evening when we both entered into the theater together.
错误表达: 表示“进入某处”时,enter为及物动词,无需在后加into,但可说go/come into...。
句2 With time went on, more and more people came for the show.
错误表达:表示“随着时间的推移”,可用短语 “with time going on...”,也可用从句 “As time went on...”。
句3 He began to play piano after taking his seat.
错误表现:表示“吹、拉、弹、奏”要加定冠词the, 故piano前须加the。
句4 We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music.
错误表现:根据句意,句中song应使用复数形式,即:songs。英语句子中的单数可数名词不能单独存在,要么是在其前加限定词,要么是使用其复数形式,具体的变化形式取决于语境需要。
改后段落
It was evening when we both entered the theater together. With time going on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. He began to play the piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs, such as folk songs and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
段落三
When I arrived at my home after the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. 1Lang Lang have set a good example for me. 2I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. 3I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.
I think I will succeed.
修改意见
句1 Lang Lang have set a good example for me.
错误①:在特定时态中的主谓不一致,尤其是在含有现在时的句子中,当主语为第三人称单数、不定式、动名词短语或从句等时,句子谓语动词须与主语保持数上的一致。故应将原句中的have改为has。
错误②:“为……树立榜样”:set an example to sb。
句2 I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much.
错误表现:句中错误地将从属于主句的状语从句独立成句,从句在句中起状语作用,是句子的一成分,不能独立成句。若上句成立,则下句也是正确的:I saw a moive. Last night. 正确表达应为:I saw a movie last night.
句3 I will insist until my dream is come ture.
错误①:静态动词(表状态)与动态动词(表动作)同时出现在简单句中的主语之后(非and连接的并列谓语),造成谓语动词多余,此时多表现为系动词多余。原句中已有谓语动词come,故应去掉is;例:
She is likes him but she isn’t love him. (╳)
She likes him but she doesn’t love him. (√)
错误②:注意单词true的正确拼写。
改后段落
When arriving home from the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang has set a good example to me. I want to become a pop singer because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream comes true. I believe in myself.
I think I will succeed.
●地道语篇●
下文是在针对原段落中单词拼写、时态、词性及句法等错误更正的基础上,结合英语表达的习惯搭配、遣词造句、段落特点及篇章结构所作出的修正:
July 24 Sunny
An Unforgettable Day
At the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre, I got overjoyed because I’ve been a music lover. Getting up early in the morning, I rushed to the box office to get tickets for me and my close friend Jim, who shares the same hobby as me. When I got there, I found that people had crowded the narrow entrance to the ticket office. However, I was able to get two at last. Later, I reminded Jim by phone of the exact time of the evening performances, and he promised to turn up without any hesitation.
When evening fell, we both entered the theatre together. As time went on, more and more people came for the show. When the clock struck 7, Lang Lang, a world-class pianist, appeared on the stage. A great cheer went up from the audience. Taking his seat, he began to play the piano. With sounds of music filling the theatre, I enjoyed myself the whole evening. In the programs that followed, we enjoyed folk songs as well as classical music. What an unforgettable experience!
Upon arrival at my home from the concert, I’m determined to work hard at my lessons at school. Lang Lang’s success has set a shining example to me. My big dream has been to be a pop star, for pop music is my favorite. Despite the coming failures and hardships on the way to my career, I shall overcome them until my dream comes true. Besides, I know that life is not easy for me. I must insist, and above all, I must believe in myself. I’ll work harder until I succeed.
I’m sure I shall make it.
编辑/梁宇清
●原文呈现●
July 24Sunny
An Unforgettable Day
I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music. I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I. When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. Though I spent an hour for the tickets, but I thought it was well worth doing. Getting the tickets, my heart felt great. I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.
It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. With time went on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. He began to play piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
When I arrived at my home after the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang have set a good example for me. I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.
I think I will succeed.
●段落分析●
段落一
1I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music. 2I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I. 3When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office. 4Though I spent an hour for the tickets, but I thought it was well worth doing. 5Getting the tickets, my heart felt great. 6I called Jim and told him the time to go to the concert on time and he said yes to me.
修改意见(该部分只涉及原段落中出错的句子,表达是否地道不在该部分讨论,地道表达请参照本文末尾处的“地道语篇”。)
句1 I was told there would have a concert in the city theatre, this made me very happy because I fond of music.
错误①:英语中不能用逗号“,”连接两个在语意上完整的句子。故可在this前加并列连词and,也可将this改为关系代词which,构成由which引出的非限制性定语从句;
错误②:句中have须改为be,构成 “there be”结构。
错误③:受中文思维影响,将形容词fond误判为动词,故原因状语从句应改为...because I am fond of music.
句2 I rose up early in the morning so that I can buy some tickets for Jim, a good friend of mine, and I.
错误①:主句和从句时态不一致,根据语境可知,应将can改为could。
错误②:“起床”可以表示为get up或rise。例:
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. (Prov.)
早睡早起,富裕聪明身体好。(谚语)
错误③:句末的 “I”在句中作介词for的宾语,应改为me。
句3 When I got there, I was surprised to see lots of people waiting in line to buy tickets at the entrance of the box office.
正确表达:the entrance to the box office。
句4 Though I spent an hour for the tickets,but I thought it was well worth doing.
错误①:受中文“虽然……,但是……”影响,造成连词多余,英语中二者只用其一,通常情况下应去掉but,或删除though,保留but;类似用法有原因状语从句中的because和so。
错误②:句中for应改为on,与spend构成搭配。
错误③:根据句意,worth后的do为实义动词,表示“做”,故其后缺宾语。
句5 Getting the tickets,my heart felt great.
正确表达:置于句首的分词短语必须与句子的语法主语保持一致,否则写出的句子是荒唐的。例:
Reading the letter,her face turned red. (╳)
分析:
上句中,“读信”应是“她”发出的动作,而非“她的脸”发出,故可改为:
Reading the letter, she felt her face turn red. 或
When she read the letter, her face turned red.
原句中“getting the tickets”的动作发出者不是“my heart”,而是“I”,故原句可改为:Getting the tickets,I felt great. 或After I got the tickets,my heart felt great.
改后段落
Having been told the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre, I got extremely happy because I’m fond of music. In order to get some tickets, I got up early. To my surprise, I found lots of people waiting in line for tickets when I got to the box office. Though it took me an hour to wait, I thought it worthwhile to do so. When I called Jim telling him that the performances would be put on in the evening, he gladly agreed to come without delay.
段落二
1It was evening when we both entered into the theater together. 2With time went on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. 3He began to play piano after taking his seat. 4We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
修改意见
句1 It was evening when we both entered into the theater together.
错误表达: 表示“进入某处”时,enter为及物动词,无需在后加into,但可说go/come into...。
句2 With time went on, more and more people came for the show.
错误表达:表示“随着时间的推移”,可用短语 “with time going on...”,也可用从句 “As time went on...”。
句3 He began to play piano after taking his seat.
错误表现:表示“吹、拉、弹、奏”要加定冠词the, 故piano前须加the。
句4 We enjoyed more programs, such as folk song and classical music.
错误表现:根据句意,句中song应使用复数形式,即:songs。英语句子中的单数可数名词不能单独存在,要么是在其前加限定词,要么是使用其复数形式,具体的变化形式取决于语境需要。
改后段落
It was evening when we both entered the theater together. With time going on, more and more people came for the show. Lang Lang appeared on the stage at 7 p.m., when the audience cheered up. He began to play the piano after taking his seat. We enjoyed more programs, such as folk songs and classical music. It is one of the most meaningful experiences.
段落三
When I arrived at my home after the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. 1Lang Lang have set a good example for me. 2I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. 3I will insist until my dream is come ture. I believe myself.
I think I will succeed.
修改意见
句1 Lang Lang have set a good example for me.
错误①:在特定时态中的主谓不一致,尤其是在含有现在时的句子中,当主语为第三人称单数、不定式、动名词短语或从句等时,句子谓语动词须与主语保持数上的一致。故应将原句中的have改为has。
错误②:“为……树立榜样”:set an example to sb。
句2 I want to become a pop singer. Because I like pop music very much.
错误表现:句中错误地将从属于主句的状语从句独立成句,从句在句中起状语作用,是句子的一成分,不能独立成句。若上句成立,则下句也是正确的:I saw a moive. Last night. 正确表达应为:I saw a movie last night.
句3 I will insist until my dream is come ture.
错误①:静态动词(表状态)与动态动词(表动作)同时出现在简单句中的主语之后(非and连接的并列谓语),造成谓语动词多余,此时多表现为系动词多余。原句中已有谓语动词come,故应去掉is;例:
She is likes him but she isn’t love him. (╳)
She likes him but she doesn’t love him. (√)
错误②:注意单词true的正确拼写。
改后段落
When arriving home from the concert, I decided to work hard to improve my lessons. Lang Lang has set a good example to me. I want to become a pop singer because I like pop music very much. I know I will meet a lot of failures in the future, but I will never give up. I will insist until my dream comes true. I believe in myself.
I think I will succeed.
●地道语篇●
下文是在针对原段落中单词拼写、时态、词性及句法等错误更正的基础上,结合英语表达的习惯搭配、遣词造句、段落特点及篇章结构所作出的修正:
July 24 Sunny
An Unforgettable Day
At the news that a concert would be held in the city theatre, I got overjoyed because I’ve been a music lover. Getting up early in the morning, I rushed to the box office to get tickets for me and my close friend Jim, who shares the same hobby as me. When I got there, I found that people had crowded the narrow entrance to the ticket office. However, I was able to get two at last. Later, I reminded Jim by phone of the exact time of the evening performances, and he promised to turn up without any hesitation.
When evening fell, we both entered the theatre together. As time went on, more and more people came for the show. When the clock struck 7, Lang Lang, a world-class pianist, appeared on the stage. A great cheer went up from the audience. Taking his seat, he began to play the piano. With sounds of music filling the theatre, I enjoyed myself the whole evening. In the programs that followed, we enjoyed folk songs as well as classical music. What an unforgettable experience!
Upon arrival at my home from the concert, I’m determined to work hard at my lessons at school. Lang Lang’s success has set a shining example to me. My big dream has been to be a pop star, for pop music is my favorite. Despite the coming failures and hardships on the way to my career, I shall overcome them until my dream comes true. Besides, I know that life is not easy for me. I must insist, and above all, I must believe in myself. I’ll work harder until I succeed.
I’m sure I shall make it.
编辑/梁宇清