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Bishkek, 2)Kyrgyzstan. The name of that foreign city went through my mind over and over, as I lay in bed. Biskek, Kyrgyzstan. Panic gripped me, as I kept wondering why I had applied for a job in a country about which I knew nothing.
I had 3)battled a similar kind of panic when my wife and I decided to adopt a baby. Adopting a child and becoming a father scared me as much as moving to an unknown country. I knew there would be joy and excitement as we began the adoption process, but I 4)was caught off guard by the attack of the “5)what if’s.”
What if the child isn’t anything like me? It’s natural for parents to look for their reflection in their children. Fathers often want sons who will love football, fishing, or other hobbies like they do. I was an English teacher and feared adopting a child who hated to read. Fathers are easily tempted to live their lives 6)vicariously through the achievements of their children. But the more I thought about not being able to boast about my son’s genes, the more I believed that having my 7)ego less 8)wrapped up in my son was probably a good thing. Today, however, I cheer just as loudly as any other dad when my son scores a goal in soccer. He’s my son—even though he doesn’t share my genes.
Six years of teaching in 9)grade school have also taught me that a child with his parents’ genes could be just as much an unknown 10)entity as any adopted child. I had students who were completely different from the brother I had taught the year before. I saw un-athletic children, whose fathers were professional athletes. 11)Recessive genes even eliminated any guarantee that children would look like their parents. I realized, all children were a wonderful adventure of discovery.
But what if I don’t love this stranger? I had known my wife for years before making the decision to marry and love her forever. How could I just decide to love a child who, in our case, wasn’t even born yet? Although we completed our adoption in what we were told was 12)record time, the forty days 13)leading up to it was like forty days of emotional 14)labor, as we got 15)physicals, did interviews for the home study, filled out forms, talked to lawyers, and watched friends and relatives give generously to help us with the cost. My wife had not 16)carried this baby in her 17)womb, but we had certainly carried this baby in our hearts and prayers.
Because of the “intensive labor” of the adoption process, my son didn’t seem like a stranger when I first held him, three days after his birth. With one arm gently cradling his whole body, I looked into his eyes and knew that my heart belonged to him. All doubts about my heart being large enough to love this child vanished, as I gazed down into his blue eyes and said, “Peter James Wilson.”
But what if he later has all kinds of questions about who he is and why he is adopted? I had seen some adopted high school kids struggle with a sense of identity and a lack of connection with their parents. This was not a “what if” I could completely work through in advance. But since our adoption was open and we had met the birth parents, I decided to keep a written record of the whole process.
I recorded how we sat in the hospital 18)cafeteria with the birth mother as she said, with streaming tears, “I want him to know that I gave him up for adoption not because I don’t love him, but because of how much I do love him.” I have also written of how much joy and love he has brought to our lives. I’ve now been writing in his journal for seven years. If he is full of questions and confusion when he is sixteen, I hope to hand him this journal, and at least answer any questions about the depth of our love. Of course, other “what if’s” came, that threatened to diminish our love and courage. My wife and I are about three weeks from adopting three more boys, ages five, six, and seven, respectively. A whole different 19)army of “what if’s” are attacking. But all the “what if’s” are in the future, and can be answered or overcome. “20)If only’s” are the real enemy because they attack from a past where we cannot do battle. I would rather face all the “what if’s” in the world than live with one “if only.”
I never made it to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, but we did adopt a child whom I wouldn’t trade for anything the world. And I discovered this new country of fatherhood that has become my heart’s true home.
吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克。我躺在床上，一遍又一遍地琢磨着这个外国城市的名字。吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克。当我不停地思考我为什么要申请去一个自己一无所知的国家工作时，恐慌攫住了我的心。
当我和妻子决定收养一个孩子时，我也和类似的恐慌作过抗争。收养一个孩子并成为一名父亲，这如同前往一个陌生的国家的想法一样，吓坏了我。我知道当我们开始办理收养手续时，我们会感到快乐和兴奋。但“如果……怎么办？”之类的担忧冷不防地向我袭来。
如果这个孩子一点都不像我怎么办？父母在孩子身上寻找自己的影子是很正常的。做父亲的总希望儿子会像自己一样喜欢足球、钓鱼，或者有其他相同的嗜好。我是一名英文教师，我害怕收养一个不喜欢阅读的孩子。做父亲的很容易倾向于以儿女们的成就为骄傲，并视为自己的成就。不过，我越是想到无法以自己儿子的遗传基因为自豪，我就越是相信自己对儿子的专注少一点倒可能是桩好事。然而现在，当我儿子在足球比赛中进球得分时，我会像其他任何一个父亲一样大声欢呼。他是我的儿子，尽管他并不是我亲生的。
在小学任教6年的经验也让我看到，即便是亲生儿女，他们也可能跟任何一个被收养的孩子一样，与他们的父母截然不同。我教过的几个学生和高他们一年级的哥哥就迥然相异。我看到过不爱运动的孩子，他们的父亲却是职业运动员。隐性基因的存在甚至不能保证孩子会长得像他们的父母。我意识到，所有孩子的成长都是一次不断有新发现的奇妙探险。
可是，假如我不爱这个陌生人怎么办？我是认识我妻子许多年后才决定娶她并爱她一辈子的。就我们的情形而言，我怎么能下决心去爱一个甚至还没出生的孩子呢？尽管我们被告知，我们办理收养手续之快是创记录的，但这40天的办理过程，却像是一次长达40天的“感情分娩”——我们要做体检、做家庭研究访谈、填表、和律师讨论，并看着亲友们慷慨地资助我们的费用。这个孩子没有在我妻子的子宫里待过，但我们无疑一直把他放在我们的心里，并为他祈祷。
由于办理收养手续的“高强度工作”，儿子出生3天后，当我第一次抱着他时，我感觉他并不像一个陌生人。我单臂轻轻地紧抱着他，注视着他的眼睛，意识到他已经占据了我的心。当我低头凝视他那蓝色的双眸，对他念出他的名字“彼得•詹姆斯•威尔森”时，我顿时不再怀疑自己有深爱这个孩子的胸怀。
但是，以后如果他问起他是谁、为什么被收养之类的问题该怎么办？我见过一些读中学的孩子，因为自己被收养的身份以及与父母间的隔膜而苦苦挣扎。这个“如果……怎么办？”的问题，是我无法提前彻底解决的。不过我们的收养是公开的，而且我们也见过孩子的亲生父母，因此我决定把整个过程全都写下来。
我记下了我们在医院的自助餐厅与孩子的生母会面的情形：她当时泪如泉涌，对我们说道：“我想让他知道我放弃他，把他送给别人收养，不是因为我不爱他，而是因为我实在太爱他了。”我也记下了他给我们的生活带来的无数欢乐和爱。如今，我为他写日记已经有7年了。到他16岁时，如果他有满腹的疑问和困惑，我希望把这本日记交到他手上，至少这能让他了解我们对他的爱有多深。当然，更多的“如果……怎么办？”接踵而至，使我们的爱和勇气面临着削弱。我和妻子将在3周内再收养3个男孩，年龄分别是5岁、6岁和7岁。一大堆全新的“如果……怎么办？”之类的问题朝我们袭来。不过，这所有的“如果……怎么办？”都是将来的事，可以得到回答或解决。“要是……就好了”才是真正的敌人，因为它们来自过去，我们无从抗争。我宁可面对无数的“如果……怎么办？”，也不要面对一个“要是……就好了”。
我从未去过吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克，但我们确实收养了一个孩子。拿世界上的任何东西来跟我交换这个孩子，我都不会同意。而且我发现，这片新的充满父爱的国土，已经成为了我心里的真正家园。
I had 3)battled a similar kind of panic when my wife and I decided to adopt a baby. Adopting a child and becoming a father scared me as much as moving to an unknown country. I knew there would be joy and excitement as we began the adoption process, but I 4)was caught off guard by the attack of the “5)what if’s.”
What if the child isn’t anything like me? It’s natural for parents to look for their reflection in their children. Fathers often want sons who will love football, fishing, or other hobbies like they do. I was an English teacher and feared adopting a child who hated to read. Fathers are easily tempted to live their lives 6)vicariously through the achievements of their children. But the more I thought about not being able to boast about my son’s genes, the more I believed that having my 7)ego less 8)wrapped up in my son was probably a good thing. Today, however, I cheer just as loudly as any other dad when my son scores a goal in soccer. He’s my son—even though he doesn’t share my genes.
Six years of teaching in 9)grade school have also taught me that a child with his parents’ genes could be just as much an unknown 10)entity as any adopted child. I had students who were completely different from the brother I had taught the year before. I saw un-athletic children, whose fathers were professional athletes. 11)Recessive genes even eliminated any guarantee that children would look like their parents. I realized, all children were a wonderful adventure of discovery.
But what if I don’t love this stranger? I had known my wife for years before making the decision to marry and love her forever. How could I just decide to love a child who, in our case, wasn’t even born yet? Although we completed our adoption in what we were told was 12)record time, the forty days 13)leading up to it was like forty days of emotional 14)labor, as we got 15)physicals, did interviews for the home study, filled out forms, talked to lawyers, and watched friends and relatives give generously to help us with the cost. My wife had not 16)carried this baby in her 17)womb, but we had certainly carried this baby in our hearts and prayers.
Because of the “intensive labor” of the adoption process, my son didn’t seem like a stranger when I first held him, three days after his birth. With one arm gently cradling his whole body, I looked into his eyes and knew that my heart belonged to him. All doubts about my heart being large enough to love this child vanished, as I gazed down into his blue eyes and said, “Peter James Wilson.”
But what if he later has all kinds of questions about who he is and why he is adopted? I had seen some adopted high school kids struggle with a sense of identity and a lack of connection with their parents. This was not a “what if” I could completely work through in advance. But since our adoption was open and we had met the birth parents, I decided to keep a written record of the whole process.
I recorded how we sat in the hospital 18)cafeteria with the birth mother as she said, with streaming tears, “I want him to know that I gave him up for adoption not because I don’t love him, but because of how much I do love him.” I have also written of how much joy and love he has brought to our lives. I’ve now been writing in his journal for seven years. If he is full of questions and confusion when he is sixteen, I hope to hand him this journal, and at least answer any questions about the depth of our love. Of course, other “what if’s” came, that threatened to diminish our love and courage. My wife and I are about three weeks from adopting three more boys, ages five, six, and seven, respectively. A whole different 19)army of “what if’s” are attacking. But all the “what if’s” are in the future, and can be answered or overcome. “20)If only’s” are the real enemy because they attack from a past where we cannot do battle. I would rather face all the “what if’s” in the world than live with one “if only.”
I never made it to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, but we did adopt a child whom I wouldn’t trade for anything the world. And I discovered this new country of fatherhood that has become my heart’s true home.
吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克。我躺在床上，一遍又一遍地琢磨着这个外国城市的名字。吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克。当我不停地思考我为什么要申请去一个自己一无所知的国家工作时，恐慌攫住了我的心。
当我和妻子决定收养一个孩子时，我也和类似的恐慌作过抗争。收养一个孩子并成为一名父亲，这如同前往一个陌生的国家的想法一样，吓坏了我。我知道当我们开始办理收养手续时，我们会感到快乐和兴奋。但“如果……怎么办？”之类的担忧冷不防地向我袭来。
如果这个孩子一点都不像我怎么办？父母在孩子身上寻找自己的影子是很正常的。做父亲的总希望儿子会像自己一样喜欢足球、钓鱼，或者有其他相同的嗜好。我是一名英文教师，我害怕收养一个不喜欢阅读的孩子。做父亲的很容易倾向于以儿女们的成就为骄傲，并视为自己的成就。不过，我越是想到无法以自己儿子的遗传基因为自豪，我就越是相信自己对儿子的专注少一点倒可能是桩好事。然而现在，当我儿子在足球比赛中进球得分时，我会像其他任何一个父亲一样大声欢呼。他是我的儿子，尽管他并不是我亲生的。
在小学任教6年的经验也让我看到，即便是亲生儿女，他们也可能跟任何一个被收养的孩子一样，与他们的父母截然不同。我教过的几个学生和高他们一年级的哥哥就迥然相异。我看到过不爱运动的孩子，他们的父亲却是职业运动员。隐性基因的存在甚至不能保证孩子会长得像他们的父母。我意识到，所有孩子的成长都是一次不断有新发现的奇妙探险。
可是，假如我不爱这个陌生人怎么办？我是认识我妻子许多年后才决定娶她并爱她一辈子的。就我们的情形而言，我怎么能下决心去爱一个甚至还没出生的孩子呢？尽管我们被告知，我们办理收养手续之快是创记录的，但这40天的办理过程，却像是一次长达40天的“感情分娩”——我们要做体检、做家庭研究访谈、填表、和律师讨论，并看着亲友们慷慨地资助我们的费用。这个孩子没有在我妻子的子宫里待过，但我们无疑一直把他放在我们的心里，并为他祈祷。
由于办理收养手续的“高强度工作”，儿子出生3天后，当我第一次抱着他时，我感觉他并不像一个陌生人。我单臂轻轻地紧抱着他，注视着他的眼睛，意识到他已经占据了我的心。当我低头凝视他那蓝色的双眸，对他念出他的名字“彼得•詹姆斯•威尔森”时，我顿时不再怀疑自己有深爱这个孩子的胸怀。
但是，以后如果他问起他是谁、为什么被收养之类的问题该怎么办？我见过一些读中学的孩子，因为自己被收养的身份以及与父母间的隔膜而苦苦挣扎。这个“如果……怎么办？”的问题，是我无法提前彻底解决的。不过我们的收养是公开的，而且我们也见过孩子的亲生父母，因此我决定把整个过程全都写下来。
我记下了我们在医院的自助餐厅与孩子的生母会面的情形：她当时泪如泉涌，对我们说道：“我想让他知道我放弃他，把他送给别人收养，不是因为我不爱他，而是因为我实在太爱他了。”我也记下了他给我们的生活带来的无数欢乐和爱。如今，我为他写日记已经有7年了。到他16岁时，如果他有满腹的疑问和困惑，我希望把这本日记交到他手上，至少这能让他了解我们对他的爱有多深。当然，更多的“如果……怎么办？”接踵而至，使我们的爱和勇气面临着削弱。我和妻子将在3周内再收养3个男孩，年龄分别是5岁、6岁和7岁。一大堆全新的“如果……怎么办？”之类的问题朝我们袭来。不过，这所有的“如果……怎么办？”都是将来的事，可以得到回答或解决。“要是……就好了”才是真正的敌人，因为它们来自过去，我们无从抗争。我宁可面对无数的“如果……怎么办？”，也不要面对一个“要是……就好了”。
我从未去过吉尔吉斯斯坦的比什凯克，但我们确实收养了一个孩子。拿世界上的任何东西来跟我交换这个孩子，我都不会同意。而且我发现，这片新的充满父爱的国土，已经成为了我心里的真正家园。