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My wife, Malathi, loves dogs. She calls them “Sweetie.” She also calls me “Sweetie.” I don’t know whether to smile, or 1)wag my tail.
It’s really confusing. The other day, Malathi said, “Dinner is ready, Sweetie.” I rushed to the kitchen, along with the dogs. “Silly dogs,” I thought. “You’re not getting any of my dinner.” The meal looked delicious, and I would have complimented my wife, had she not placed it on the floor.
The two dogs got to the food before I could. Their heads, unfortunately, are closer to the floor. That allows them to quickly 2)slurp food and anything else that looks remotely like food, such as dirty socks or 3)tofu. If you own a dog, you may not need a vacuum cleaner.
Within a minute, the dogs—a 4)Labrador and 5)Golden Retriever—had 6)licked their bowls clean, and were looking up at us with expressions that said, “Come on, 7)folks. When are you going to feed us?” Even if they’d just eaten a big meal, they wanted to keep on eating. They’re a lot like me, except that I’m too proud to beg. When the dogs are 8)wolfing their food, I try not to sit in front of them and 9)drool. Unfortunately, they never extend the same courtesy to me. I can’t eat anything without enduring their sad-eyed expressions that say, “Oh please, we haven’t eaten any food since last summer, when we ate all your tennis balls. If you don’t feed us, we’ll fill your entire home with drool.”
The dogs aren’t ours. We’re just 10)dog-sitting, until their owners return from vacation. Dog-sitting is a lot like baby-sitting, except for three major differences: (1) Babies have trouble catching food with their mouths; (2) Babies are usually uglier; and (3) Babies are nicer to trees.
Most dogs in America are so lucky! They’re fed and treated better than many children around the world. And they never have to do the dishes. You can’t even get them to take the trash out. They must have a powerful union.
My wife knows a lot about dogs. She’s a 11)veterinarian, specializing in 12)epidemiology. It took me three weeks to learn how to spell “epidemiology” and another three weeks to learn how to pronounce it. I still don’t know what it means. All I know is that Malathi loves animals, especially dogs. She kisses them and 13)pets them and talks to them, making me wish I had four legs.
I think she likes dogs, partly because they’re better listeners than men. When she’s telling one of her long stories—usually about something amazing she heard on 14)NPR—the dogs will just sit there and listen attentively. I know what they’re thinking: “If we sit still and act interested, maybe she’ll feed us.” Dogs are smarter than they look.
I don’t mind Malathi 15)babying the dogs, but I wish it weren’t so confusing. The other night, she said, “Are you coming to bed, Sweetie?” I rushed to the bedroom, along with the dogs.
“Silly dogs,” I thought. “You’re not snuggling in bed with us. Not until you learn to use 16)mouthwash.”
The Labrador jumped on the bed before I could. I looked at my wife. She looked at me with a puzzled expression that said, “Did someone call YOU to bed?” Then she petted the dog.
“He’s going to be with us for only a short time,” she said.
“OK, Sweetie,” I said. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she said.
“I was talking to the dog,” I said.
我的妻子马拉蒂很喜欢狗，她称它们为“亲爱的”。她也叫我“亲爱的”。我不知道我是应该对她微笑，还是摇尾巴。
同样的称呼真的弄得很混乱。前几天，马拉蒂说：“吃饭了，亲爱的。”我马上跑到厨房，狗儿们也跟着进了厨房。“笨狗，”我心里想，“我的晚餐，你们碰都不能碰。”晚餐看起来很美味，如果妻子没把它放到地板上，我会称赞她一番的。
两只狗抢在我前面获得了食物。很不幸，它们的头比我的头更靠近地板。这使得它们能够迅速地吃到食物，以及其他任何远望过去像食物的东西，例如脏袜子或豆腐。如果你养了一只狗，那你或许无须用吸尘器了。
不到一分钟，我们那两只狗——一只拉布拉多猎狗和一只金毛猎犬就已经把它们的碗都舔得干干净净了。它们正抬头望着我们，那神情仿佛在说：“快点，朋友，什么时候再喂我们好吃的？”即使它们才刚刚吃饱喝足，它们也还想继续吃。这一点，它们与我很相似；惟一不同的是，我放不下尊严去乞食。当两只狗在狼吞虎咽时，我尽量不坐在它们面前流口水。不幸的是，它们永远不会对我那样有礼貌。只要我在吃东西，它们就用哀伤的眼睛看着我，仿佛在说：“噢，求求你了，自从去年夏天我们吃了你所有的网球之后，我们就再没吃过任何东西了。如果你不给我们吃的，我们会把你的整个屋子当作食物！”
这两只狗并不是我们的。我们只是在它们的主人度假回来以前帮忙照看一下。照看狗和照顾婴儿有很多相似之处，除了三个主要的不同点之外：（1）婴儿在用嘴巴获取食物方面没有狗灵活；（2）婴儿通常会丑一点；（3）婴儿对树木比较友善一些。
美国的大部分狗都是如此幸运！它们被喂养，待遇比世界上的许多小孩都要好。而且它们从来不用洗餐具。你甚至无法叫它们把垃圾提到门外。它们一定有一个强大的工会在背后撑腰。（编者注：这里是作者开的一个玩笑——作者觉得狗可以享受这么多权利是因为它们有一个强大的协会为它们提供保障。）
我妻子对狗知之甚多。她是一名兽医，主攻流行病学。我花了三个星期的时间才学会拼写“epidemiology”这个单词，又花了三个星期才学会它的发音。但我还是不知道这个词的意思。我只知道马拉蒂很爱动物，尤其是狗。她亲吻它们，爱抚它们，还和它们说话，这使得我恨不得自己长有四条腿！
我想她喜欢狗的其中一部分原因，是因为狗比人类更善于聆听。当她在讲述她的一个冗长而乏味的故事时——通常是她从全国公共广播电台那里听来的某些令人吃惊的事——狗会坐在那里，全神贯注地听她说。我知道它们在想什么：“如果我们乖乖地坐着，并表现出很感兴趣的样子，也许她就会给我们好吃的了。”狗比它们看上去的样子更精明。
我不介意马拉蒂像宠小孩那样宠着狗，但我希望她不要把事情弄得如此混乱。不久前的某个晚上，她说：“到床上来，亲爱的！”我和两只狗都冲进了卧室。
“笨狗，”我心想，“你休想和我们依偎在一张床上，除非你学会了使用漱口水。”
那只拉布拉多寻回犬抢在我前面跳上了床。我望着妻子，她迷惑不解地看着我，似乎在说：“有人叫你到床上来吗？”然后，她就亲抚起那只狗来。
“它只和我们在一起呆一小会儿。”她说。
“好的，亲爱的，”我说，“我爱你。”
“我也爱你。”她说。
“我在跟那只狗说话呢。”我回答道。
It’s really confusing. The other day, Malathi said, “Dinner is ready, Sweetie.” I rushed to the kitchen, along with the dogs. “Silly dogs,” I thought. “You’re not getting any of my dinner.” The meal looked delicious, and I would have complimented my wife, had she not placed it on the floor.
The two dogs got to the food before I could. Their heads, unfortunately, are closer to the floor. That allows them to quickly 2)slurp food and anything else that looks remotely like food, such as dirty socks or 3)tofu. If you own a dog, you may not need a vacuum cleaner.
Within a minute, the dogs—a 4)Labrador and 5)Golden Retriever—had 6)licked their bowls clean, and were looking up at us with expressions that said, “Come on, 7)folks. When are you going to feed us?” Even if they’d just eaten a big meal, they wanted to keep on eating. They’re a lot like me, except that I’m too proud to beg. When the dogs are 8)wolfing their food, I try not to sit in front of them and 9)drool. Unfortunately, they never extend the same courtesy to me. I can’t eat anything without enduring their sad-eyed expressions that say, “Oh please, we haven’t eaten any food since last summer, when we ate all your tennis balls. If you don’t feed us, we’ll fill your entire home with drool.”
The dogs aren’t ours. We’re just 10)dog-sitting, until their owners return from vacation. Dog-sitting is a lot like baby-sitting, except for three major differences: (1) Babies have trouble catching food with their mouths; (2) Babies are usually uglier; and (3) Babies are nicer to trees.
Most dogs in America are so lucky! They’re fed and treated better than many children around the world. And they never have to do the dishes. You can’t even get them to take the trash out. They must have a powerful union.
My wife knows a lot about dogs. She’s a 11)veterinarian, specializing in 12)epidemiology. It took me three weeks to learn how to spell “epidemiology” and another three weeks to learn how to pronounce it. I still don’t know what it means. All I know is that Malathi loves animals, especially dogs. She kisses them and 13)pets them and talks to them, making me wish I had four legs.
I think she likes dogs, partly because they’re better listeners than men. When she’s telling one of her long stories—usually about something amazing she heard on 14)NPR—the dogs will just sit there and listen attentively. I know what they’re thinking: “If we sit still and act interested, maybe she’ll feed us.” Dogs are smarter than they look.
I don’t mind Malathi 15)babying the dogs, but I wish it weren’t so confusing. The other night, she said, “Are you coming to bed, Sweetie?” I rushed to the bedroom, along with the dogs.
“Silly dogs,” I thought. “You’re not snuggling in bed with us. Not until you learn to use 16)mouthwash.”
The Labrador jumped on the bed before I could. I looked at my wife. She looked at me with a puzzled expression that said, “Did someone call YOU to bed?” Then she petted the dog.
“He’s going to be with us for only a short time,” she said.
“OK, Sweetie,” I said. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she said.
“I was talking to the dog,” I said.
我的妻子马拉蒂很喜欢狗，她称它们为“亲爱的”。她也叫我“亲爱的”。我不知道我是应该对她微笑，还是摇尾巴。
同样的称呼真的弄得很混乱。前几天，马拉蒂说：“吃饭了，亲爱的。”我马上跑到厨房，狗儿们也跟着进了厨房。“笨狗，”我心里想，“我的晚餐，你们碰都不能碰。”晚餐看起来很美味，如果妻子没把它放到地板上，我会称赞她一番的。
两只狗抢在我前面获得了食物。很不幸，它们的头比我的头更靠近地板。这使得它们能够迅速地吃到食物，以及其他任何远望过去像食物的东西，例如脏袜子或豆腐。如果你养了一只狗，那你或许无须用吸尘器了。
不到一分钟，我们那两只狗——一只拉布拉多猎狗和一只金毛猎犬就已经把它们的碗都舔得干干净净了。它们正抬头望着我们，那神情仿佛在说：“快点，朋友，什么时候再喂我们好吃的？”即使它们才刚刚吃饱喝足，它们也还想继续吃。这一点，它们与我很相似；惟一不同的是，我放不下尊严去乞食。当两只狗在狼吞虎咽时，我尽量不坐在它们面前流口水。不幸的是，它们永远不会对我那样有礼貌。只要我在吃东西，它们就用哀伤的眼睛看着我，仿佛在说：“噢，求求你了，自从去年夏天我们吃了你所有的网球之后，我们就再没吃过任何东西了。如果你不给我们吃的，我们会把你的整个屋子当作食物！”
这两只狗并不是我们的。我们只是在它们的主人度假回来以前帮忙照看一下。照看狗和照顾婴儿有很多相似之处，除了三个主要的不同点之外：（1）婴儿在用嘴巴获取食物方面没有狗灵活；（2）婴儿通常会丑一点；（3）婴儿对树木比较友善一些。
美国的大部分狗都是如此幸运！它们被喂养，待遇比世界上的许多小孩都要好。而且它们从来不用洗餐具。你甚至无法叫它们把垃圾提到门外。它们一定有一个强大的工会在背后撑腰。（编者注：这里是作者开的一个玩笑——作者觉得狗可以享受这么多权利是因为它们有一个强大的协会为它们提供保障。）
我妻子对狗知之甚多。她是一名兽医，主攻流行病学。我花了三个星期的时间才学会拼写“epidemiology”这个单词，又花了三个星期才学会它的发音。但我还是不知道这个词的意思。我只知道马拉蒂很爱动物，尤其是狗。她亲吻它们，爱抚它们，还和它们说话，这使得我恨不得自己长有四条腿！
我想她喜欢狗的其中一部分原因，是因为狗比人类更善于聆听。当她在讲述她的一个冗长而乏味的故事时——通常是她从全国公共广播电台那里听来的某些令人吃惊的事——狗会坐在那里，全神贯注地听她说。我知道它们在想什么：“如果我们乖乖地坐着，并表现出很感兴趣的样子，也许她就会给我们好吃的了。”狗比它们看上去的样子更精明。
我不介意马拉蒂像宠小孩那样宠着狗，但我希望她不要把事情弄得如此混乱。不久前的某个晚上，她说：“到床上来，亲爱的！”我和两只狗都冲进了卧室。
“笨狗，”我心想，“你休想和我们依偎在一张床上，除非你学会了使用漱口水。”
那只拉布拉多寻回犬抢在我前面跳上了床。我望着妻子，她迷惑不解地看着我，似乎在说：“有人叫你到床上来吗？”然后，她就亲抚起那只狗来。
“它只和我们在一起呆一小会儿。”她说。
“好的，亲爱的，”我说，“我爱你。”
“我也爱你。”她说。
“我在跟那只狗说话呢。”我回答道。